RIP

You are currently reading the last post to my blog. Thank you, dear reader, for taking this short ride with me. I've enjoyed the time we've spent together and hope you felt entertained and appreciated. However, I find myself channeling all my writing energies into blogging instead of novelizing, and so I'm quitting cold turkey. Sort of. I'm going to update my website and have a molasses blog on there, one that is updated weekly or every two weeks instead of daily.

So, I'm not completely ditching you. See? And if you fill in this form, I promise to send you an email whenever a new book of mine comes out or when I'm in your area.

Plus, I'm leaving you in good hands. Julia Buckley has a fantastic blog that I recommend you start dating after we break up. She interviews cool writers, has pictures, is regular, and allows you to peek inside the trials and tribulations of a new author.

Thank you!

...And the Beat Goes On

It's true. No one is rude at Bouchercon. The one Rudinator from Love Is Murder has been surprisingly sober every time I see him, so who's left? Oh wait, there was that one guy, the smirking-laugh-at-you-corrector-of-everything-you-say, but I needed a new villain to kill off in the next mystery, and he was a great prototype. So thank you, Mr. New Rudinator.

Otherwise, all good. Sandra Ruttan, despite her offer, would be hard pressed to pull off rude with any believability (although I bet she does pissed off pretty well, :) if you give her a reason), Tim Maleeny is not only an interesting storyteller but a charming person, Bill Cameron is a little bit meaner than Santa Claus and not quite as nice as Mister Rogers, and I'm pretty sure Julia Buckley is nice, too, but she was too busy being clever and funny for me to be sure. By the way, check out her blog. It's fabulous.

Today, I got Kent Krueger and Laura Lippmann to sign their new mysteries for me, so yay! I also accidentally sat next to a crazy man who writes short stories but wouldn't tell me what they were about because they're private and only his publisher can see them (and I couldn't help noticing his age spots were the same color as his eyes). Ah, the tales from Bouchercon. Tomorrow, my goal is to meet reviewers, but the deal is that somehow you can't tell them apart from the rest of us regular folk. I hear they float when you drop them in water, though.

What I've learned so far at Bouchercon:

1. How to take a shoe imprint out of snow (hot sulfur, interestingly enough).
2. Paint chips are used in identifying criminals, but there needs to be at least eight layers of paint in the chip for it to be admissible. (Got both those tips from Jerry Geurts, Director of the Wisconsin State Crime Lab. You know, the real CSI guy for Wisconson.)
3. I never want to read a medieval mystery. It's just me, and I think it has more to do with the disappointment at finding out there are not automatically wenches and swords in them as much as anything.
4. Midnight Ink has a great line-up of authors, and a fantastic team all around (everyone I meet loves the covers!).
5. I automatically take people with British accents more seriously because they're smarter.
6. According to mystery writer Barb D'Amato, death is not funny, but people are funny. I would like to add to that that sex is funny, but dead people having sex isn't.
7. All mystery writers are nice, except for the three assholes, and everyone knows who they are. I stole that from Tim Maleeny, who heard it in a presentation yesterday. It's true and brings this post full circle, except for one more thing:

The Otter Tail Count Review is finally available, as of today. It is a great collection, and all profits benefit library and literacy programs in the Upper Midwest. Check it out!

Bouchercon 2006

Not one person has been rude to me. In fact, several have been very, very nice (Bill Cameron and Margery Flax, you bastards!). So, I have nothing to write about other than the fabulous roasted portabello salad I had today with Barbara Moore, Acquisitions Editor Extraordinaire at Midnight Ink, and the hot little shuttle driver (three months away from a B.S in Chinese Language and Literature--all the boys and Madison are cute and smart). Sorry. I'll see who I can antagonize tomorrow.

(Ooops) I Did It

I sent Britney Spears a copy of May Day. I really did. I figured that dream where I was her nanny, followed by the book club meeting on Britney Lane, all meant something. It had to. So now Britney has something to read whilst chewing gum on the treadmill and getting back that tight little body of hers. Enjoy, Britney.

Oh, and maybe I sent a copy to Sandra Bullock, too, while caught in the throes of star fever. Maybe. But you can't prove it.

Onto the grist. Gristle. Grist. The stuff that matters. I was at the St. Cloud Barnes & Noble today, talking to their MS book club, where I was asked how I deal with writer's block. I actually am too shallow to get writer's block with any regularity, but the times that I do get it, here's what I do to overcome it:

1. Outline. If the scene won't come to me whole, like it usually does, I outline it. Creating a sketch of it usually gets me past the mental hairball clogging my creative process.
2. Stop and go to bed. The trick is, it has to be close to bedtime and I have to be thinking about what I am stuck on as I fall asleep. I usually wake up with an idea, if not a whole scene. I have a notebook next to my bed for just this purpose.
3. Write crap. Oftentimes, writer's block is not an inability to come up with an idea so much as the fear that the idea lurking in the back of our head is crap. If you allow yourself to put the crap on paper, you can move past the block. A lot of time you'll find out it wasn't really crap, or at least that it's easier to shape crap into something worthwhile than it is to start on a blank page. As Ernest Hemingway said, "The first draft of anything is shit." I think that's the shortest sentence he ever wrote.

Ah, pearls of wisdom. Next time I blog, I will be in Madison, Wisconsin, enjoying the premier mystery convention in the world, Bouchercon. While there, I'm going to do my darndest to antagonize that famous writer who was rude to me at Love Is Murder last fall so I have something exciting to write about. Stay tuned.

A Riddle for the Ages

First things first. I was invited to attend an Alexandria book club reading May Day on Saturday, and it was a blast! I was wondering where all the smart, hip chicks (besides the ones I work with) were hiding out in this town, and now I know! Great food, great fun, great wine, and some good ghost stories. That's a Saturday night worth having, I tell you. And what really tickled me was that the host of the party lives on Britney's Lane, which was named after Britney Spears. Hee hee! She hates that. The host, not Britney Spears.

Next: I overheard this at the riddle booth at the Ren Fest and can't for the life of me solve it. Suggestions? "I have no mother and no father and was born without skin. I made a noise at birth and haven't made a sound since. Who am I?"

And finally, the local grocery stopped carrying my favorite cereal, Rice Twice, and so now I had to order a case of it online. What is this world coming to? It's delicious, by the way. Crispy brown rice mixed with puffed rice--crunchy, puffy, sweet! You should order yourself a gross and be cool like me.

Jesus Camp

My friend Berns sent me a link to the new documentary, Jesus Camp, and a link to the theaters showing it. It looks worth seeing and talking about, so check it out if it's in your area! I won't be able to see it because I live in a bunker in the woods, but I will have to check it out when it comes out on video as my fourth mystery, August Moon, is set in a Bible Camp sort of like this one. Coincidence? Yes.

The September May Day contest winner is the Williams Library at Northern State University, courtesy of an entry filled out by Jennifer Jenness, Technical Services Coordinator. Thanks, Jennifer, for entering! A free copy of May Day for the Williams Library plus a treat for you are hurtling through snail mail as we speak.

Tomorrow, I'm speaking to the drunken, tattooed, five-finger-discount-leaning Alexandria Book Club. Actually, I'm sure they're very nice, but a gal can always hope. I hear there will be Nut Goodies there, though! If your book club is within 50 miles of Alexandria, I'd love to come out and meet you all, too.

OK, you know why I'm blogging so much this week? Because I'm supposed to be starting August Moon. This is work avoidance, people, and you're enabling me. Stop. It. Oh! But I do have a five-page outline of August Moon, which is my longest outline ever. I have a plot, a sub-plot, three fantastic new characters (plus lots of returning favorites), a central theme of the repercussions of blind faith, maybe a dead cheerleader, and clues dropped throughout a la Agatha Christie so you will be able to solve this one if you read closely. And if I ever write it.

Guns Don't Kill People. People with Mustaches Kill People.

That's my new favorite t-shirt, which I saw at the Ren Fest last Saturday. I had a great time! I went with my friend Christine and my two kids. They were all in costume: Christine ("I feel pretty. I'm pretty!") was a wench, Zoe was a queen, and Xander was a gladiator (time travel is acceptable at the Ren Fest). I broke down and bought and wore a classy wench costume, too, and was cinched into it so tight that I had a boob. I'll post real pix when I get them, but in the meanwhile, let me introduce you to Ariana Swordswallower.

If you have a minute, go to Bill's blog, scroll down to the Hobbit post, and check out the Infinite Cat Project. I can't stop thinking about it!

And now, I begin to write August Moon. Wish me luck.

Clooney Lectures United Nations

I'd like to quote my good friend Holly when it comes to this article:

"Really. Really?? Really. Now Hollywood stars are lecturing the decision and policymaking bodies of the world. That's hot."

'Nuff said.

OK, you know how the tagline for May Day was:

New job. Small town. Dead boyfriend. Ever have one of those months?

You don't? Well it was. Anyhow, now I need a tagline for June Bug. Mr. B. is recommending, "It says 'Last Resort' on my ass for a reason" (you might need to get a magnifying glass on her butt). Inarguably catchy, no? Any other suggestions? Seriously. I want to get some mood pens made up, and I need a tagline. Here's a summary that might be helpful:

In June Bug, the second book in the Murder by Month series, Mira dives into a secret nearly a century old. In the late 1920s, a diamond necklace lost in a nearby lake prompts the wealthy owners of an island to fire their staff and sell the property. This intrigue resurfaces when a Minneapolis newspaper creates a contest to find the necklace. The quirky characters from the first novel return as Mira contends with a traveling theater troupe, competitive resorts willing to do anything to attract business, a town eager to find the necklace, and long-buried rivalries.

And here's a link to Chapter 1. If I use your tagline on the pens, I'll send ya one! A pen! A whole pen! And maybe a Nut Goodie bar.

p.s. Last night I dreamt I was Britney Spears' nanny. I kid you not. I don't know what karma debt that was, but I can tell you I took good care of those little boys and only fed them organic food (only it was organic liver in my dream). Brit and Kevin Can'tStopSpreadingYourSeederline were making out a lot in the background. What is the meaning of this?

Loose Change 2nd Edition Recut

A student sent me this video, which makes for a fascinating discussion. Where's Mulder when you need him?

This Blog Has Been Interrupted to Report: Majority Of Americans Unprepared For Apocalypse

It's true. And I also want to report that although I'm saddened by the death of Steve Irwin, my favorite article title on the subject is, "Well, He Wasn't Called the Stingray Hunter."

I'm thinking of taking my kids to the Renaissance Festival this weekend. Can you do anything about the rain?

My hair shirt doesn't stand up to moisture so well.

Laker Girls

Last night, I met with two book clubs at the Shoreline in Battle Lake--the Clitherall Lake Book Club and the Battle Lake Book Club (the Laker Girls). It was fun! They had M & Ms and good questions, and there were no haters. I even picked up some solid gossip, like:

• Battle Lake is the only Minnesota town to birth TWO Princess Kays of the Milky Way. And one of them was at the meeting last night, cute as a freakin' button.
• I should read books by Shirley Hazzard.
• Women never forget their first loves (which means I've never had one because I don't remember him. Oooh! Or maybe it means I'm not a woman.).
• Men in Otter Tail County don't read. They CAN read, but choose not to. It's hard to juggle The Secret Life of Bees and the thirty ought the same time, so something's gotta go, and it sure ain't gonna be the gun. That's my hypothesis.

Fun stuff. I'd do it again. I also had time before the book club meeting to run up Inspiration Peak (a site featured prominently in the forthcoming Knee High by July), which is gorgeous this time of year. Make a trip there!

I was just going to sign off, but then obsessively checked my amazon.com rankings and realized that the official June Bug cover is out there! Whee! Great work, Lisa!

August May Day Winning Library (Yes, August)

Congratulations to the Glendale Public Library in Glendale, California! Thanks to the fantastic entry skills of Lyndsay McCollum, Reference Librarian, the GPL is the proud owner of a brand spankin' new copy of May Day, which is hurtling through the postal service as we speak. If you work at a library, you should enter!

Oh, and my publicist wants to turn me into a sparkling, dancing monkey to draw crowds to my future book signings. It's tempting, but I am more likely to go this route.

Last Friday, I sent off my applications to the University of Minnesota (MFA in Creative Writing and PhD in Literature) and University of Madison (PhD in Literature as their MFA in fiction is on alternating years, next year 2008). I'm also in the process of applying for a Bush Foundation Fellowship for literature. Any one of those paths will give me more time to write, which is my goal.

Mickey Spillane Moves On

I don't mean to turn this into an obitu-blog (what an idea), but did you know Mickey Spillane died? (And did or did not Stacy Keach a hairlip have?) I'm not a huge fan of the male romance novel, but I do admire Spillane for his fortitude and aphorisms, as well as the way he modified and stretched out the whole hard-boiled genre. This article does him some justice.

In happier news, Mysterical-E, an ezine with great articles and free giveaways, positively reviewed May Day ("With a cynical and sassy approach to life and murder, Mira sets out to solve the mystery of her lover's demise, and why not get a great story for her boss at the newspaper, in the bargain...[s]eries fans will find themselves looking forward to another visit with Mira and friends, like a comical and cozy sitcom.") and interviewed me (scroll down down way down).

It does seem that they're not a fan of the "crude remarks" in the first installment of the Murder by Month series, and I vacillate between telling people that June Bug is just as funny and suspensful but less pervo (I'm not defensive, you're defensive) and just standing behind my writing, which I actually happen to like. :) What hat shall I wear today?

Before I decide, let's all weigh in on the beauty that is Baby Suri. I need a body language expert to weigh in on the parental distance between TomKat and baby and tell me what it means. On the surface, I gotta say, she's pretty cute.

Stingray Kills Crocodile Hunter

A moment of silence as we mourn the passing of a crazy man. A stingray barb to the heart is how he would have wanted to go, but jeez. This is sad. I hate it when the conservatives are right. "Don't dangle your baby over a hungry crocodile, Steve." "Don't film a show called 'The Ten Most Painful Ways to Die Featuring Creatures God Intended Us Not to Swim With,' Steve." Sigh.

What's in Your Cards?

Llewellyn, the mother of my publisher, Midnight Ink, has a free online Tarot card-reading service. Find out what's in your future, but I warn you: it may be bleak. Apparently, my move to St. Paul is going to be ruinous and awful. I think the exact forecast, when I was focusing on my future as a writer, was, "Be prepared to gain the world and sell your soul." Super. I need to get my chakras realigned. Or maybe I just wasn't focusing hard enough. I may have been thinking about the peanut M & Ms I wanted to eat.


Could that have infected my reading, like when the fly gets in the transformer in The Fly? Barbara? Help me.



And my fantastic friend Berns wanted me to post this link, so if you want to share or ask an opinion, go check it out!

Behind the Scenes: Thongs, Gordon Lightfoot, and Trumpets with Julia Buckley

Julia Buckley, author of The Dark Backward (Eht Krad?) has kindly agreed to share her insight on writing, publishing, and promoting mysteries. Read on, you crazy diamond!

You are doing a fantastic job promoting your debut mystery, The Dark Backward. You have interviewed big-name authors (and me) on your blog, you've set up booksignings, you are active on Murder Must Advertise (a mystery-promoting listserv), and you sell Dark Backward-themed items on your website. What promotional effort has been your favorite, what has been your most effective, and how well is the Dark Backward Classic Thong selling?

Tee-hee. A thong. Now there’s an idea—but not for me to wear. And it’s not practical, because not enough people would see it, so it wouldn’t necessarily promote the book. The items make me no money, anyway, it’s just a link to Café Press, but it’s always an option for promotion, since the cover is so cool (not my doing, but Kevin R. Brown’s).

My favorite activity, aside from writing the books, has been doing the interviews, because they’re very fun and I really feel that I’ve “met” a lot of people, who I now look forward to meeting in person at conferences. Jess Lourey, for example.

The Dark Backward begins with the death of its protagonist, Lily Caldwell. How did you come up with such a compelling and original opening?

It was actually done out of spite. I had written the Madeline Mann mysteries FIRST, you see, and they made the rounds with my agent, and people said they loved Madeline and liked the books, but they didn’t buy them. My agent suggested that perhaps things didn’t get moving fast enough in the plot, which is of course the big debate in mystery fiction: can a writer have some exposition, or must one thrust a knife into someone’s chest on page one?

(The author of this blog completely endorses using writing as a vehicle for spite.)

So in rebellion I began a chapter with the death of my main character—a violent shooting death—in the first line. And then I brought her back to life. At first I was just channeling my disappointment, but then I really got into my own story. So I must be a consummate storyteller. (As the Adam West Batman would say, “The only possible conclusion.”) How’s that for a literary allusion? Batman.

When I see the picture of you on your blog, I think you are holding a trumpet that you are just about to play. Is it a trumpet in the picture, and if so, how good are you?

That is hilarious! I never noticed that before. Sure, let’s say I play the trumpet really well, and I travel with a jazz band when I’m not promoting books or teaching English. But alas, it wouldn’t be true. That “trumpet” is just the back of a chair; the photo was taken at The Rainforest Café in Chicago, where we had taken our boys for a treat. I chose it because I didn’t look tired or old.

However, I do have a notable jazz connection: my father-in-law, Dick Buckley, is a Chicago legend for his jazz show on WBEZ. No one knows more about jazz than this man does. Feel free to challenge me. And the sad thing is, BEZ has decided to change its programming, so Dick’s show, after many years on the air in Chicago, will be eliminated in the coming months. He has a huge cult following who are circulating a petition. Any Chicagoans can still hear his show—for the time being—on Sundays at noon.

Your first Madeline Mann mystery hits bookstores in 2007. How is she different from Lily, and how many books do you envision in the series?

Lily Caldwell is a loveable young woman, but she has a very serious mission and an unhappy past, and so the book is not really lighthearted (although it does contain humor). Madeline is much more a product of the fun me; she is independent and intelligent, but she tends to be rather unpredictable in her behavior, which she attributes totally to the “vibes” she has at any given moment. For this reason, her brothers have nicknamed her “Madman,” and so far she has not been able to prove them wrong.

There are serious themes in the Madman books, but I think I get to them through more humorous paths. Maddy isn’t meant to depress people, nor are her mysteries. They’re supposed to lift the spirits and even make readers laugh. An assortment of odd characters, including her family, sort of heighten the humorous tension.

On your website, you refer to your writing group. How did the group begin, how many of you are in it, and how often do you meet?

My town used to have an arts organization called River Oak Arts, and it sponsored evening classes for adults in things like poetry writing, short story writing, and the one I took—novel writing. All of the classes were taught by professional writers, and mine was taught by the novelist Karen Lee Osborne. The class lasted eight weeks and taught me a lot about what should and shouldn’t go into a novel. I signed up for another, more advanced class a few months later—also taught by Karen—and then some of the group members who were really serious about their writing asked if we couldn’t just meet every month even after the class was over. That was about six years ago, and we still meet.

The advantage of the writing group, for me, is that after a while, when you’re composing, you can almost hear the voices of your group members in your head, telling you to cut out that adjective or eliminate this repetitive dialogue, and it becomes a sort of writer’s conscience. It’s helped me a great deal. I think my writing is much better now than it was before I joined the group.

What do your husband and children think of your writing?

They’re supportive in that they don’t stop me from doing it. And my husband is good about reading manuscripts. He doesn’t comment very heavily, but he’s great at spotting inconsistencies and giving me honest feedback. He gives me a little smiley face in the margin for everything that amuses him, so if I get something back and it doesn’t have a smiley at a spot I thought was funny, I’ll say, “Hey, that was funny!” And he’ll just shake his head. The smileys are not given randomly.

Other than that, they (the family) just sort of go about their business. My husband’s wine store did host a signing for me, which was nice. But my children attended one signing only, where I learned that they are not old enough to go to book signings. My seven year old told me that the word “the” on my cover was not properly capitalized, and my eleven-year old raised his hand and asked why there was profanity in the book. I turned about five shades of red. Naturally he hasn’t read it, but he was told he couldn’t because it had adult language and situations. So he managed to embarrass me at my very first book signing, and since then the boys have been relegated to the home with only a bowl of water.

(Blog author's note: I find if you crush up some Valium in the water, it goes a lot farther.)

How's the Master's in Literature coming?

Slowly but surely. It’s starting to feel like I’m on the ten-year plan, but it’s actually only been two years, and I’ll have earned half of my required credits by the end of this year. I had to take a little hiatus last year for financial reasons—after we pay my sons’ school tuition and the mortgage, there’s not much left for my tuition, and my employer only gives me a small percentage of the cost. So sometimes I have to stop, cry broke, and wait until I accumulate some savings again. I’m sure it’s character-building, this living in genteel poverty while I am immersed in the language of academia.

What three pieces of advice would you offer to an author whose first book is just about to hit the bookshelves?

1. Be proud of yourself. I tend to forget this one, either because I always set a higher goal and then forget to celebrate the one I met, or because I’ll find some negative aspect of my success. My family always says this is the Hungarian soul in me, because as my father has pointed out, “We’re a very sad people.” So I have to remind myself—hey, this is an accomplishment!
2. My Dad’s classic advice: “You don’t ask, you don’t get.” Profound, yet practical, isn’t it? This was always his advice to me when he noticed my natural reluctance in all things. So I have to sort of make myself go up to a bookstore counter and ask if they might carry my book, and how well is it selling, and have they lost weight? or whatever schmoozing thing I’m supposed to say in order to make them love me. (But I still don’t really do it. Number of bookstores visited: two).
3. Put things in perspective. This book is not going to have the impact, or the staying power, of something like Gone With The Wind, but a year ago I had no book on store shelves, and now I can stroll into a store and see a beautiful acknowledgement of my work, and can enjoy the occasional e-mail that I get from strangers telling me that they liked the book. Which I guess can be called fan mail.

How do I get my hands on the next Julia Buckley opus?

Hey, Jess, just say the word and I’ll send you the whole fat manuscript in hopes that you’ll eventually write a blurb like “Julia Buckley is a revelation!” or “If you read only one book this summer, read this one!”

(I can't promise a blurb, but I'd love a galley copy when they're available!)

Otherwise, you have to wait until August of 2007, which I believe is the release date for Pity Him Afterwards (although I just found out that will not be the title.)

And finally, on your blog, you claim to enjoy Gordon Lightfoot, Abba, and the Monkees. If you had to sing one of the following songs at a karaoke bar filled with English professors, ex-boyfriends, mystery reviewers, and Hollywood producers, which would it be? "The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald," "Dancin' Queen," or "Hey, Hey, We're the Monkees."

Wow, that’s a toughie. The first two are great songs, but they’re totally out of my range. Gord tends to span a couple octaves rather effortlessly, while I end up hunting all over the place for the note an octave higher or lower. Not that it stops me from singing along. “Gord’s Gold” is my number one sing-along cd for chore doing or checkbook balancing. Abba, however, has been a favorite since childhood. My sister Linda and I would learn the melody and the harmony, so one of us could be Annifrida and one Agnetha and we could sing in the car and such. We are a singing family—very Von Trapp Family, if you want to know the truth. It’s because my German mother taught us to sing on family car trips, and she literally had a little choir in the back seat. My brothers sang bass and baritone, my sister and I were soprano or alto, my mom was alto. And my dad listened.

So back to your question: The Monkee’s Theme is the easiest to sing (although not my favorite song by them). So I would sing that, but I would have to ask you to sing it with me, along with two other people, so that we could link arms and do that special Monkees walk, leg over leg. It’s more difficult than it looks. We can practice at Bouchercon.

In any case, I doubt the mystery reviewers or the Hollywood producers would find much to write home about.

At karaoke, I'm the back-up dancer only, but I'll bring my go-go boots! Thanks for your time, Ms. Buckley. :) (I'm a whore with my smiley faces.)

Don't Forget Your Angry Eyes

Cool Nancy Chick just sent me this article, which is provocative in an angrifying way. It's a rehash of the "don't get too smart, ladies, or you'll never land yourselves a man" argument. I imagine it's as insulting to intelligent men as it is to intelligent women, so I'm sharing it with you all. Don't forget your angry eyes.

On to happier (and possibly even scarier) items. I put my house up for sale last week. Next summer, I'm going to pack up my kids and cat and move us to Madison, Wisconsin, or St. Paul, Minnesota, where I will pursue an MFA and a full-time writing career (you don't need one to have the other, but I love writing, teaching, and being in school, so I'm going to smush all three into the next three years). Join me as I make magic or fall flat on my ass.

VH1 Behind the Scenes: Jess Lourey

Julia Buckley, author of Dark Backward and consummate interviewer, has probed the heck out of me in an insightful interview. I'll be returning the favor next week. And I love the title of Julia's blog--"Mysterious Musings"--but I think "Mysterious Muffins" would be more provocative. People would look for all sorts of meaning that wasn't there.

The Original Book Tour

Before I published May Day, when I thought of authors, I thought of people who had it made, writing away in their sun rooms, a cup of tea by their side, shielded from the world as they created literary art and cashed royalty checks.

I had it part right. I do often have tea while writing. Otherwise, the money for beginning authors is not great. I've heard that publishers are happy to sell 5,000 copies of a debut novel, and the author makes about 50 cents a copy. My experience supports that.

As for time, a lot of it is taken in promoting the book. With 100s of thousands of books out there, it takes a lot of leg work to separate yours from the pack. This involves book signings, media interviews, blogging, submitting shorter works to magazines and anthologies, and sending out review copies of your novel. I enjoy a lot of it, but it's not writing novels, which is what I love to do.

That's why I thought the following information was so interesting. It seems writers have NEVER been in their ivory tower, creating literary art, and that writing has always been a cutthroat business. Not as romantic as the vision most of us have of authors, but interesting nonetheless. (The information below was posted on a writing listserv, but I'm afraid I can't find the name of the original poster.):

"There has never been an ivory tower for writers. Dickens went on long book tours, reading extracts of his books to audiences. George Eliot, Thackeray and others also did public readings, and went to the various social events arranged by their publishers. Defoe, Swift and company contributed to magazines and satirical publications and also went to social gatherings, like the literary salons arranged by the likes of Elizabeth Montagu.

Childrens' writers contributed to comics and magazines, went to schools and libraries to do readings. Shakespeare appeared in his own plays. Marlowe worked for the government on the side, to make a few pennies. Or were the plays his sideline? The ones who did no promotion of any kind are as rare as hen's teeth. Chaucer worked for the Crown and no doubt pushed his books at his work colleagues and at Court. So I can't think of a time when writers haven't promoted. More's the pity. The ivory tower looks beautiful from here."

It's work, but it's great work. :)

Beyond the Mystery: Secret Stories--the Truth Behind the Fiction

Bouchercon is THE conference for mystery readers, writers, editors, publishers, fans, and creative writing instructors. This year, I'm going to my first Bouchercon, and it's in the beautiful city of Madison, home of progressives, the farmers market to beat all farmers markets, and a great bookstore.

That's the good news. The more good news is that I will also be presenting, along with Gail Lukaskic, Julie Hyzy, Gammy Singer, and Susan Slater. The five of us were given the panel heading of "Beyond the Mystery," and told to narrow it down. We came up with "Beyond the Mystery: Secret Stories--the Truth Behind the Fiction." Here's the description:

"Five diverse authors tell all—sharing true stories that brought their scenes to life. Covering everything from social issues to recent events—whether to use a novel as a soapbox—and revelations of embarrassing moments, this will be a fast, funny and insightful discussion of what lies Beyond the Mystery."

All good, except our panel time. We are scheduled for 10:30 on Sunday, the very last day of the conference, when most people are on their way home. It's okay. We're paying our dues, and presenting on a Sunday means I won't miss any of the other great presentations on writing, editing, publishing, and marketing.

What's that? You want to know what I did yesterday? I canned like a beaver (??) with my mom and aunt. I left with exactly 50 jars--horseradish dill pickles, regular dill pickles, whole tomatoes, crabapple jelly (and two accidental crabapple syrups), salsa, pickled peppers (I accidentally first typed "pickled peckers," as in shorthand for "a peck of pickled peppers"), and jalabeanos. Yum!

I start back at work full-time Monday, and my fall semester goal is to write seven pages a day, five days a week. If I can stick to that, August Moon, the fourth novel in the Murder by Month series, will be in hand by December. My fortune cookie today (I don't have daily ones; I happened to have Vietnamese for lunch) said, "The dream that keeps returning is your Destiny." Ah. I'm grabbin' it.

Paynes-ville Booksigning

Hello! I'm back. The Paynesville booksigning went well. It's my hometown, the one I explored big hair, lime vodka sours, and pinned Guess jeans in during the 80s. My parents still live there, and my sister lives close by in Cold Spring (she's a kick-ass chiropractor, literally--second degree black belt). I was invited to sign books at Ben Around Books, owned by Kay and Bob McDaniel.

Bob and Kay are fantastic--graphic designers from the Dakotas--who are taking it as their personal mission to bring culture to a small town. They're doing a fantastic job and are warm and wonderful people. They did a great job advertising my book signing by making bookmarks, buying ad space in the Paynesville Press (we'll get to that), putting up posters everywhere, and spreading the word.

Long story short, 18 copies of May Day were sold at the signing, I signed a pile of the 12 that were sold before that, and I saw a significant jump in my amazon.com sales afterward.

I met some wonderful people at the signing, and it's hard to pick favorites, but I really enjoyed Karla from Grove City (she's my kind of gal), Marion from Paynesville (ladies over 70 are funny and strong like beef jerky), Lucy who prefers ice cream to fruit, and the daughter of the mayor of Battle Lake ("He really didn't like your book, you know.").

Good stuff. More next week.

Short Stories, Shmort Stories

Yesterday, I finished the second draft of my short story. It was original titled "The Wedding Dance," because that is the central event (oh, and the murder), but the dead body is found alone in a tiny fish cleaning house, locked from the inside. It's the Minnesota version of the locked room mystery.

So, the new title is, "The Locked Fish House Mystery." See how that works? Hopefully, the Minnesota Crime Wave will find it entertaining enough to print in their next anthology, though it's going through at least one more revision before I send it off.

Writing short stories is hard and not particularly rewarding, but I have to say I did enjoy making a secondary character from May Day into a main character in the short story. She's a real hoot to write.

I'm out of town for all of next week, so I'm going to write a lot of short paragraphs today so you feel full until then.

This Thursday, I'm returning to my hometown of Paynesville for a booksigning at Been Around Books from 4-7. Refreshments will be served. The bookstore is attached to an art gallery, and it should be a fun, cultural sort of event, so join me!

Also, in breaking news, a Phoenix, Arizona, mystery group is discussing May Day on Monday. I'm afraid I can't physically make it there, but I am available for online chats or phone conferences with out-of-state book groups, and I am available face-to-face for book groups meeting within two hours of Alexandria.

A friend sent me the secret life of the President video clip (see following post), and it's very clever. I bet it was more fun to be Clinton's pilot, though. And be sure to check out these hilarious videos (unless you have dial-up) recommended by Jeff on the First Offenders blog. Bye for now!

The President

The Bush pilot himself reports about his job and the obstacles involved

Help Me!

I just got assigned a section of Composition for the fall, and I'm going to use Zinn's, A People's History, as the textbook (in addition to a writing handbook). It would be great fun to present the idea that history is not static--the exercise would hone student's critical thinking skills as well as present a unique opportunity to learn how to dig for research. The Zinn book would be the catalyst for discussion of this concept, but I need to come up with topics for students to independently research. What are some common historical "facts" your average 18-year-old takes as the gospel? You know, like Abraham Lincoln was in it for the slaves, or there has never been a female Pope. Help me.

In return for your services, I will entertain you. First, the poison (a taste: "Dress Beautifully. You’ve heard the old adage 'If you look good, you feel good.' It’s true. I try to dress up in skirts and special jewelry everyday. I wear fancy aprons when I cook. Not only is it fun to dress up; it helps to elevate your mood. I call it the 'Donna Reed Syndrome.' You feel you can get more done while wearing skirts and pearls!"). Then, the antidote.

Bon appetit.

How to Write

I just finished Stephen King's writing manual/memoir, On Writing, and it was excellent. I've always been a fan of King's writing, if not his subject matter, and in this book, he gives practical and accessible (and entertaining) instruction. Basically, he says writers have to read and understand Strunk and White, eliminate adverbs, and write honestly. That last one is a vague and elusive concept, but King is right that it's the key and he gives great instruction on how to do it. His publishing suggestions are weak and a little out of touch with the current climate, but he does well by directing aspiring authors to the Literary Marketplace and The Writer's Market (both available in most libraries). And don't tell me you don't like reading horror. This book isn't about horror. It's about how to write, and it's written by a man who is very successful in the field.

On a good note, May Day hasn't fallen off the amazon earth, June Bug preorders are outselling the work of that other Lourey on amazon, I've been invited to speak at another local book club, and my kids are happy and healthy. Zoe turns eight today! She had her party yesterday, and today, we're going to hit Crazy Days at the Library.

First, though, let me tell you that I just finished Monkeewrench, by the mother-daughter team of PJ Tracey. I usually like their stuff, but found Monkeewrench to be just a good thriller as opposed to a great one, like Live Bait. The two major issues--too many characters and a loud and fumbling deux ex machina--can be attributed to this being their first novel in the series. This is called first book disorder (FBD: see, phonetically spelling out Kennie Rogers' Southern accent in May Day). The book was still a good read, and I'm excited to check out Snow Blind when it comes out. The authors will be at Once Upon a Crime in Minneapolis on Monday, August 7, and if you're close, I encourage you to go. The bookstore is fantastic, and it'd be interesting to hear how the two of them collaboratively write these complex thrillers.

Okay, off to Crazy Days!!! Happy week.

Whut to Read

I just finished the entire No. #1 Ladies' Detective Agency series by Alexander McCall Smith, and I enjoyed it. Plus, I ate a lot of feta cheese while I read it, so now, whenever I think of the series, I think of feta cheese and feel happy. My point is that I recommend the series. The mystery is never particularly convoluted or clever, but the setting and characters are fantastic, and Smith completely immerses you in Africa. Check it out, and eat feta cheese while you read it. You'll be a better person for it.

Holly sent me this list, so you know it's funny:

The top 10 unintentionally worst company URLs

Attn: Entrepeneurs Everyone knows that if you are going to operate a business in today’s world you need a domain name. It is advisable to look at the domain name selected as others see it and not just as you think it looks. Failure to do this may result in situations such as the following (legitimate) companies who deal in everyday humdrum products and services but clearly didn’t give their domain names enough consideration:

1. A site called ‘Who Represents‘ where you can find the name of the agent that represents a celebrity. Their domain name… wait for it… is www.whorepresents.com

2. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at www.expertsexchange.com

3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at www.penisland.net

4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at www.therapistfinder.com

5. Then of course, there’s the Italian Power Generator company… www.powergenitalia.com

6. And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales: www.molestationnursery.com

7. If you’re looking for computer software, there’s always www.ipanywhere.com

8. Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church. Their website is www.cummingfirst.com

9. Then, of course, there’s these brainless art designers, and their whacky website: www.speedofart.com

10. Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe? Try their brochure website at www.gotahoe.com

As if that's not enough, check out Stuff on My Cat, and tell me this isn't gonna be a good week. Enjoy.

Battle Lake Booksigning

The Battle Lake booksigning on July 22nd went really well. The Art of the Lakes Gallery is a good place to be, and there was a steady crowd. I ended up selling around 44 books and signing many more. The highlight of the signing was having Francine (see left), one of my former students and a strong writer in her own right, drive all the way to Battle Lake with her witty friend Carmen. They were on their way to a wedding dance in Perham.

Speaking of, I finished the first draft of my short story to be submitted to the Minnesota Crime Wave, and it features a murder at a wedding dance and The Macarena. I still have the revision process to sort through, but it's better than the starting process. Always better.

But back to the book signing. There is a rumor circulating that my friend Christine accidentally dumped the meat and cheese tray on a major Alexandria street pre-Battle Lake book signing. I can neither confirm nor deny that rumor. I can, however, say that the most interesting moment at the signing was when a large man slapped down a copy of May Day, title page open, and said, "You know your autograph is only worth something if you're dead." Nice day.

Overall, I'd call the signing a success, thanks to the good nature of the Battle Lake folks, the warm welcome of Chief Wenonga (note to authors: schedule book signings during street fairs and/or Crazy Days), and the help of my good friend Christine, who solicited buyers outside the Gallery.

The Locked Fish House Mystery

It's time for me to write my short story, and I think I'm going to eat some popcorn first. Then, I'll write. I've decided to save Lex Ham's fabulously postmodern writer writing about writing story for something longer and instead write a locked fish house mystery. Is that the name of the little hut that you clean fish in at a resort? There's going to be a wedding dance still, and during "Brick House," everyone is going to hear a scream and rush to see him (it's gotta be a him, but I don't know who), with a knife in his back? chest? dead in the fish house, which is locked from the inside. The screens are nailed down and whole, so who killed him? How did they get out?

That's why it's called a mystery. In the meantime, for those of you who like trivial knowledge or aspire to someday make a living as an author, here's some totally un-fact-checked facts I just read:

From Publishers Weekly, some sobering statistics:

In 2004, Nielsen Bookscan tracked sales of 1.2 million books in the US.

Of those 1.2 million, 950,000 sold fewer than 99 (yes, ninety-nine) copies each.

Another 200,000 sold fewer than 1,000 copies.

Only 25,000 books sold more than 5,000 copies. Fewer than 500 sold more than 100,000 copies. Only 10 books sold more than a million copies each.

THE AVERAGE BOOK IN THE US SELLS ABOUT 500 COPIES.

On that note, I hope to see you in Battle Lake tomorrow! Stop by the Art of the Lakes Gallery for some free refreshments, some May Day, and a little bit of Jessica in your life, and stay for the parade and the great homemade fudge next door at Granny's Pantry. They have Nut Goodie fudge, btw...

I Await Your Kidney

That is my favorite, computer-generated email subject line to date, and not because it preceded a rhetorically sound argument for why Viagra can turn my life around. It's just that it proves the axiom that if a million monkeys type for a million years, they really can come up with something. AND, it sure makes you want to keep reading, which every good title must do. I wonder if I can work it into the Murder by Month Series. I Await Your Kidney in January.

In news that is sure to give adolescent teen boys and insurance convention attendees everywhere a momentary pause of sadness, the chairman of Hooters was found dead in his home. It is everyone's hope that this will not uspet the delicate balance allowing camel-toe shorts and chicken wings to come together in one delicious place.

On a much happier note, I have been asked to do a booksigning in my hometown of Paynesville, at the Blessing Well, from 4-7 on August 17th. Refreshments will be served (I asked for a keg and a bag of pretzels, but I can't promise anything), and it will be fun! Come one, come all.

Right now, I am creating some kick-ass online Creative Writing curriculum. If you're interested in learning more about the craft, you should register for my fall online course. It's a regular college course, and so transferable to most institutions, but it's all online so you can be anywhere to take it. Back to it.

Promoting Your Novel

I spent yesterday promoting May Day. Before finding a publisher for the book, I had done a lot of research on "being an author," and the one point that kept coming up was that you're going to spend as much or more time promoting as you did writing the thing. "Ha!" I said. "How could that possibly be?"

Sheesh. It's the truth. There's what, 2.2 million books in print? If I want people to hear about mine, I need to do a little leg work. Here is a list of yesterday's legwork:

• Began online research to find gardening and resort magazines that I could send review copies of May Day to. It's called "niche marketing," I believe, and since the Murder by Month series is set in a resort town, and the protagonist, Mira, loves to garden, those are niches I am exploring. Any suggestions for magazines?
• Went to Magpie, this fantastic store in Alexandria that sells one-of-a-kind purses, jewelry, and stuff you didn't know you needed until you saw it. They're selling May Day, also, and were out. I restocked them, which goes back to an earlier blog post of mine--you gotta keep really accurate records of all the money you take in and send out (travel expenses, review copies, mailing expenses, promo materials, that new laptop I need to buy, etc.). It can all be written off on the taxes.
• Drove the 45 minutes to Battle Lake to put up posters advertising the 7/22 May Day signing and assorted revelry at the Art of the Lakes Gallery. Brian, my hardworking publicist, made the posters, and they're bright and big and informative, and come with this headline: "Living in Battle Lake Can Be Murder." Eye-catching, no? Ask me how to sneak into a gas station/restaurant/knick knack paddywhack shop, molest their bulletin board with your 11 x 14 full-color poster, and sneak out without having to actually talk to anyone who might say, "Um, we WANT people to come to Battle Lake." Ask me.
• Stopped by the Apothecary while in town to drop off 24 more copies of May Day for them to sell. Dished with Jay, the pharmacist, about Medicare. I put in my plug for universal healthcare, but I don't think he was buying it. Can I mention he had not a hair out of place, sort of biggish glasses, a nice button-down cotton shirt, and pressed jeans? I also saw him an hour later, on his hog, wearing snake-thin mirrored sunglasses and a wife-beater which accented his barbed-wire tattoo. I'm serious. The transformation was almost super-heroish. Do you see why I set the mystery series in Battle Lake?
• Contacted Michael Lourey, famed author of Just Say Yes, to see if he wants to tour with me. We could call it something catchy, like Lourey To Lourey. Something about this line in his bio tells me we could draw a diverse audience: "When Michael and Linda, his wife of ten years, walked into the Cerritos 1st Assembly of God Church he was still a color wearing, drug addicted, alcoholic, angry and bitter biker. When they walked out they were Christians with a call on their lives."

That was it. That was yesterday. When people ask me, "How do you find time to write a book?", they don't know the half of it. I've given up TV-watching, a social life, and wearing make-up. What else can I cut out of my life to make time to write, which means also time to promote? I've got that short story to finish yet, and when I was at Holly's house last week, I had a really vivid dream that I think I can make into a strong literary novel (Holly, it wasn't that one I told you about with Mulder, Scully, and the buffalo), and I'm also working on August Moon (in my head, at least), the fourth in the Murder by Month series. And in a few months, the promoting of June Bug will begin.

The time issue is one of the reasons I'm considering taking a three-year leave of absence from my teaching job at Alex Tech to pursue an MFA. It would give me the degree I'd need to teach at a four-year college, but it would also give me more time and skillz to write. And really, all I want to do is write. I'll keep you updated.

I'm Home, and the Cat Barfed

Okay, I'm back in the saddle. Here's my last six days in a nutshell: Zoe, Xander, and I went to Walnut Grove, Minnesota, which has sort of a trailer-park Laura Ingalls feel. And I'm not just bitter because Zoe didn't win the look-alike contest. This fall, maybe we'll try Pepin, Wisconsin. I'm getting the kid on a circuit. Those freckles are worth their weight in gold, dammit.

Then, the three of us visited Xander's grandma in Rochester. She took us out to eat at Subway and then we headed to Kellogg, Minnesota to Lark Toys, the #1 grandparent stop in the state (read: candy, toys, rides, candy, ice cream, and candy). Then, on to Wausau to visit Jason, Holly, and Trixie (and get stroked by the Schwan's man--Mr. "You like ice cream, right?"). Finally, we went to River Falls, Wisconsin, to visit my wonderfully anonymous friend Andrea, who is coincidentally cyber-stalking Holly even though they've never met. Andrea, her kids, and my kids all drove around St. Paul to scope out my future neighborhood (looking at Highland Park) and stop at the Science Museum.

Good time!

And I'm home now. Today, I ordered the meat and cheese (yes, meat, Brian) and vegetable trays for the Battle Lake event of the year. Turns out it's cheaper if you just get celery, elk salami, and government cheese, and since I'm on a budget...I splurged on the pop, though. Real Dr. Shasta. Just joshing. The eats'll be great.

And now, in the educational corner, check out everything you wanted to know about the publishing industry, in shorthand (thanks uber-artist Lisa!). And in the humor corner, check out the latest in publish on demand (thanks, Mr. B.). Oh, and the cat did just barf. I think he missed us.

Update

No, I'm afraid Zoe did not win the Laura Ingalls Wilder look-alike contest. It was a travesty, and I realized I have it in me to be scary stage mom ("Take the bamboo fishing pole up with you. No! Take it! They love props. You want to win, don't you?"). On a good note, Zoe remains unaffected by her near brush with fame, and now has forty-nine new friends who look just like her.

More later. I'm in Wausau at a friend's house, and we are going to play at the splash park today!

Laura Ingalls Wilder

When I was growing up in Paynesville, Minnesota, back in the 80s, I had long brown hair, freckles, and my mom sewed my clothes. I'm serious. If you ever wonder from what angst a writer is born, there you go. But the saving grace was that if I put my hair in braids, I looked like Laura Ingalls. Not the real one. Who cares what she looked like? No, I looked like Half-Pint, Ms. Melissa Gilbert herself. Only she had better teeth. Again, unfortunately, I'm serious. You better click here before you continue reading, and take a moment to study the picture below.

OK. My point is that I have an irrational amount of love for Laura Ingalls because thanks to the TV show spawned from her books, freckles and brown braids weren't considered as repellent as they could have been when I was growing up. As such, it is only appropriate that I will be spending this weekend camping on the banks of Plum Creek and enjoying the Laura Ingalls Wilder Pageant in Walnut Grove. I am so Minnesotan. Oh, and I convinced my seven-year-old daughter, who also has long brown hair and freckles, that it was her idea we were going. If she wins the Laura Ingalls look-alike contest on Saturday, well, I'm tearing up. I just am. Life is good.Before I sign off, check out the truth about booksignings. Thanks, Mr. B.

Oh wait! The Fergus Falls Daily Journal and the Battle Lake Review have both promised to write articles on the official May Day "Coming out in Battle Lake: Party and Booksigning" from 1-3 on July 22! And Midnight Ink is springing for the food, so you gotta come. AND, Xanadu Resort is now selling copies of MD, AND you can now preorder copies of June Bug on amazon. Good, good stuff!

That's all for now. Until next week...

Wisconsin Book Tour Wrap-up

Thank you all for following me along my green, sparkly Wisconsin book tour. As you know, it was a mixed bag, but here is what I learned:

• I'd make a crappy rock star. It only took until day three until I was singing that angst-ridden, "Somewhere on the highway, east of Omaha...here I am, on the road again, there I go, playing star again," song about the tribulations of life on the road. And I was in an RV with my mom and dad and two kids.
• I enjoy presenting to people in libraries. The audience is usually decent-sized (at least ten), the people there are receptive, and I feel like I am giving people something in exchange for their time and money--the presentation is entertaining (my seven-year-old daughter disagrees), and I share what I've learned about writing and publishing fiction. Most people in the audience are either mystery readers or aspiring authors. As a side bonus, I've noticed a disproportionate number of journalists (um, one) in most audiences, and have snagged a couple interviews/articles out of these.
• Bookstores that just sell mysteries are the most fantastic place to be, even if not so many people show up to get their books signed.
• Chain bookstores are not a place to sign, unless you're already famous. As an author, your time is better spent stopping by to sign their stock and chatting for five or ten minutes with the people who work there as they slap on the "autographed copy" stickers.
• May Day's amazon.com ratings were taking a dip before the book tour, and have been raising steadily since the day of my first presentation on the book tour. Now, I know what supposedly smart people say about these rankings and their meaninglessness, but I'm addicted to the rankings (and you will be, too, once your book gets published), and since I've taken a statistics class in my lifetime, I feel qualified to say that they are an accurate quantitative measure of the overall success of the book tour. Whee! Oh, and I still like my family, even after ten days in an RV with them.

And, in a fun twist, I am scheduled to sign books at the Art of the Lakes Gallery in Battle Lake, Minnesota, setting of the Murder by Month Mysteries, from 1-3 on Saturday, July 22. This is my first Battle Lake outing. Want to come and get my back? Oh, I forgot the best part. That weekend is Chief Wenonga Days. You better be there!

The Dirt on Box Stores

I'm happy to report that May Day is getting reviewed in Tulsa, Oklahoma? South Dakota? Georgia?

Also, I have picked up some tasty knowledge on how box stores, specifically Barnes & Noble and Border, order and stock books. Here's how I got it. Last night, at my Rice Lake public library presentation, a woman in the audience said she had gone to two Borders, and both of them told her that they do not stock May Day because it's an "order only" book. I asked my bookselling/publicizing/publishing guru how the box stores work, and here is what He said:

"When a box store buys X number of a book, they allocate copies to their stores based on how they sell in that book’s genre. For instance, mystery might sell well at one Barnes and Noble but not another. Once a new title is on the shelves, the box store buyer (usually one person in a region who oversees many stores simultaneously) monitors its sales. If it sells well (don’t ask me how they define that, but they usually evalute sales on a book after its been out for about three months), they will then make a recommendation that the book be 'modeled.' Once a book is modeled, it has a minimum number that must remain on the shelf at all times to meet demand (this number is usually small; 1-3). As soon as a copy is sold, one is automatically reordered by the computer to replenish and bring it back to model.

If a book doesn’t sell well, it will most likely be pulled from the shelves and sent back to the distribution center. Certain restrictions may apply. For instance, even if May Day doesn’t sell well enough in Minnesota to make model, most buyers will make sure that a copy or two stay on shelves simply by virtue of the fact that it’s by a local author (or has a local setting). Once a book is pulled, it is still available for ordering but won’t be on the shelves as a matter of record. The book's publisher has no control over that.

I am pretty sure there’s no such designation as 'order only.' (Technically, EVERY book is order only.) Order only may have been shorthand for 'that book is not modeled, ergo it will not be auto-replenished, ergo the only way to get a copy is to order it.' The important thing to remember is that anyone who wants MD can walk in and order it at any time and they will get it as long as Borders stocks it in their warehouse."

Interesting stuff, no? I also saw David Morrell speak at a conference last fall, and he said that all placement at box stores, including everything but the New York Times bestseller's display, is paid placement. So, if you walk in and see a "Barnes and Noble's bestsellers" display, for example, you'll know that those books are there only because their publishers paid Barnes and Noble big bucks to put them there. Seems dishonest somehow, no? It's one more good reason to support independent bookstores, where the recommendations you get are first-person and free.

Wish me luck at my Rice Lake Bookworld signing tomorrow (Wednesday, 5:30-7:30), the last stop in my J Lo Takes Wisconsin Book Tour, 2006!

Confession: I went to a WalMart Super Store on this trip. I'm sorry Christine. I feel dirty. Later, I donated my hair to help raise funds to pay the legal fees of those unfairly held at Gitmo, and the universe is back in balance. For the record, the superstore had okay prices but a lousy selection, so it wasn't even worth the karma debt.

Rice Lake not Dicey

I just got done with the Mystery Writing Is Murder presentation at the Rice Lake Public Library, and it was superfly! The audience was receptive, intelligent, and fun, and they all got a reformed (as in "it used to be a different shape"--it's hot in the RV) Nut Goodie for their fabulous audienceness. Thank you especially to Nancy Chick for all her help setting up and promoting the presentation, and thank you to Peter and Tami for making me feel so welcome.

I like Rice Lake. Good people, grocery store with organic food, well-stocked library. If you didn't catch me tonight, I'll be at the Bookworld in Rice Lake from 5:30-7:30 on Wednesday. (The picture above is of me at the Marshfield signing, but I looked the same in Rice Lake.)

In more good news, I got an email from Bernie in Montana (originally from Duluth), who hearts May Day and is going to order another copy to send as a round robin to her friends and get them hooked on the series. Pimpin' it old school. Thanks, Bernie!

Marshfield Is on a Marsh

Marshfield also has an excellent medical facility and quirky characters, most of whom were apparently at the festival about ten miles up the road, as only eight twelve people came into the Bookworld when I was there for yesterday's signing. Stephanie, Wendy, and Amy, the bookstore employees, were incredibly helpful, having my poster plastered all over the windows, having stuffed flyers promoting my signing into bags all week, and having drawn a chalk outline of a body, with signing information and a big arrow, directly outside the door. Alas, it wasn't in the stars. Marshfield was a ghost town yesterday, and I only sold four copies of May Day, two to employees of Bookworld. :)

The other copy was to a librarian, and the final copy was to an interesting man who told me how he broke out of jail in Nebraska when he was 16. He had three daughters and was sure at least one of them would like May Day, but wasn't sure which one, so had me write, "To a wonderful daughter" on the inside cover. Hee hee. Anyhow, I can see why publishers don't want to spring for book tours for the authors. Phew. What a bust. On a good note, Amy, the manager of the Marshfield Bookworld, had me sign the 20 copies of May Day she had on hand before I left.

I would like to add to the Wisconsin Rapids post on what I know, the hard way, about booksignings. If you're an author set on booksignings, and you're not famous and/or in your hometown, create a group, like the Minnesota Crime Wave. You'll widen your potential audience, particularly if the other writers have different styles, and you'll promise more entertainment potential to your audience.

I've been reading Deadly Housewives, in preparation for the short story I'm going to write. I'd like to preface what I'm about to writing by making clear that I don't normally enjoy short stories--as my mom says, "If it's good, you don't want it to end, and if it's not good, why read it?"--and that I do normally enjoy the writing of many of the contributing authors to the Deadly Housewives anthology. That said, the short stories in the anthology are terrible. I've paged through the first five and been unable to finish any but one, and I only finished that one because it was extra short.

The others have zero character development. An effective short story author has to be able to paint a memorable character with only a few keystrokes. That can be done by focusing on a couple physical characteristics and a telling line of dialogue or two. For example:

Lisa shuffled to the nearest table and slid quickly into a fold-out chair. She was careful to smooth her lily-covered sundress under her first. The dress was new and expensive, and she didn't want any telltale wrinkles when she returned it on Monday.

That's the best I can do on short notice, but the point is that you know Lisa is lacking in self-confidence, and she's thrifty. She's a type, and you have enough to create a mental image of her so you can feel more confident in following the plot. Now, being a mystery writer, I've got to give Lisa some dark twist later in the story, something you didn't see coming but can swallow given the compulsive repressedness I've hinted at above. Maybe she runs a cockfighting ring in the basement of her home daycare. I'll just have to see.

Anyhow, the point is that a short story needs to be a study in character, unless you've got some incredibly clever plot to throw out in a couple pages or less. Otherwise, as a reader, I want to really be able to dig in and understand the people I'm reading about.

Off to the Duck Boats. It's cold and a little rainy in the Dells, but the kids are happy!

Wisconsin Rapids Isn't

Rapid. It's pretty mellow. There is a haunted house on Baker Street, though, if Mark is to be believed. Mark is, by the way, one of three people whose book I signed at the Wisconsin Rapids Bookworld signing today. I'm not complaining--Mark was charming, intelligent, and funny, and talked to me for a half an hour. Gayle and Al also made me laugh and feel welcome. The third guy, the one who said, across the store, "That Garrison Keillor is so damn liberal. I just can't read his stuff," was sort of an anomaly.

Jamie, Kaaren, and Jane were excellent hosts and recommended a couple books (a Kris Radish and a Louise Erdrich) that I bought and am excited to read.

So, I consider it a success. For those of you thinking of becoming authors, or those of you who are authors, however, I need to present my Wisconsin book tour as sort of a wake-up call/cautionary tale/reality check. Unless you are Anne Rice, consistently naked, John Grisham, famous for sleeping with rock stars, Stephen King, or an actor, people aren't really going to come to your book signing. They just aren't. How many book signings have you yourself gone to in the past year. See?

As someone who has signed at book stores, feverishly researched book marketing, and given various presentations on writing/publishing, I have learned some things, and I am passing them on to you, grasshopper. Here they are, in no particular order:

IF YOU WANT TO SELL A LOT OF BOOKS:

You need to present and/or align your book with some sort of conference. Case in point: at the Business Professional Women's state conference, I was their lunchtime speaker. They were a fabulous crowd, made me feel smart and funny, and bought 32 copies of May Day. This works whether the crowd is there for a new business opening, a pharmacist's conference (rock on), or an art show. The point is, if you are a B-list or lower author, the crowd won't come to you, so you have to go to the crowd.

IF YOU WANT TO LEARN ABOUT THE WRITING, PUBLISHING, AND BOOKSELLING BUSINESS

Set up readings and signings at independent bookstores. First, it's just good to support independents. They have the personal touch, the feel, the appreciation of books and authors, that the box stores just can't. Second, you will find yourself around people who like and appreciate books and authors. Guaranteed. That's why they own/work at the independent bookstore (mostly. there might be some guy working there because the store was below his apartment.). When you're there, ask questions, be nice, and buy a book or two.

IF YOU WANT TO PROMOTE YOUR BOOKS AT THE BOX STORES

Call to make sure they have your book in stock, and then stop by and offer to sign stock. Be gracious, charming, memorable, and keep it short. You will leave as much of an impression on them as you would if you sucked their air for two hours sitting at that lonely author's table during a formal booksigning, but you would be saving your time, theirs, and you'd still get the cool "signed copy" sticker on your books which, as a frequent book buyer, I can guarantee you sets your book apart from the rest.

IF NONE OF THE ABOVE APPEALS TO YOU

Write. We always need a couple Salingers. If you write a fantastic book, I'll buy it, read it, and recommend it, regardless of whether or not you did your time in the cramped corner of a Wisconsin Bookworld, anxiously lighting up whenever someone who wasn't holding a $3.99 Soduko book walked by.

If, however, you have an extended vacation coming up, and the alternative to signing at a Bookworld is to be in a hot RV with your parents and kids, I encourage you to whore yourself at every available opportunity. I love my kids and my parents, and I love them even more after I've gotten a break to go into a bookstore or a library.

This is a pretty nice vacation.

Thank you for taking it with me.

Mad for Madison

I can no longer say Madison is my favorite city that I've never been to because now I've been there, and I loved it. The magic is in the feel--it's relaxed, progressive, and green, and the people are nice nice nice. I can't wait to come back for Bouchercon in a few months.

Last night, I gave a reading at Booked for Murder, and I can see why Ellen Hart calls it one of the best bookstores in the country. It's not large--in fact, it's on the far side of a strip mall on University Avenue. But once inside, it's warm, and Terri, one of the owners, is fabulous. She's funny, confident, smart, and knows her mysteries. Here's some of what I learned at the reading last night:

• Authors publish under different names for various reasons, including: those who publish in different genres or with different characters/styles and don't want to confuse their readers; those who don't want their speciality lines to drag down their hot-selling lines (apparently, the big stores like Wal-Mart order as many copies of a new book as the number the author sold in their last book; if the author knows s/he is going to write a book with a limited appeal, it is in her/his best interest to do so under a different name so as not to pull down future potentially big-selling books); those who are under contract to give their publisher right of first refusal for the next book published under their name and who want to squeak out of that; and crazy eccentric authors like Stephen King (I added that last one).
• Bouchercon and Left Coast Crime are the two big conferences. The rest of them keep their numbers to about 200, on purpose, and if they are stationary conferences (same city every year), they will likely draw the same crowd, so as a mystery author or fan, choose wisely when attending your conferences. Focus on your favorite genre, for example, or seek out one where your favorite author will be.
• Second printings of books are usually supplemental and not as large as the first printing. The first printing of May Day was 7500, for example, so the second printing will probably be around 2000, unless someone gets murdered in Battle Lake for real. :) (Is it wrong to put a smiley face there? Yes for sure.)

Good stuff. There were only four people at the signing, which is failure if you're a mathematician (or a cannibal with a large family) but success if you like being surrounded by mystery books and smart people. So yay, it was a resounding success! Oh, I also picked up a signed copy of Janet Evanovich's 12th book, a collection of short story mysteries so I can figure out how to write them, and a PJ Tracy novel.

Tomorrow, I'll be at the Wisconsin Rapids Book World from 11:30-1:30, and Saturday, I'll be at the Marshfield Book World (green box on the right, not the other stuff) from 11:30-1:30, passing out writing tips and red hot Atomic Fireballs like they grow on trees. You're gonna want to stop by and get some of that.

Race to Racine

Finding Internet access seems to be a trick when in an RV. Whoduthought? So, I’ll have to backtrack and post the Racine post the same day I post the Madison post.

Which do you want to hear first about my Racine Public Library “Mystery Writing Is Murder” presentation--the good news or the bad news? The good news? OK. All but two people there bought copies of May Day, and the group was made up of intelligent women, most of them writers. The bad news is that there were only eight people there. I guess I’m not exactly a household name in eastern Wisconsin. Or western. Or anywhere but my own house. The librarian who introduced me to the throng-ette did say I gave a mean presentation and invited me to the Breakfast with the Authors event the library holds the second Saturday in November.

One of the Racine attendees also writes for a regional writing mag and said she would like to do an article on me, so whee! But wait, it gets better. My dad later sold a copy of May Day to the couple from Hibbing who were camping next to us. Apparently, he got tired of having them silently watch him pump our poop from the RV into the ground from their lawn chairs five feet away and so struck up a conversation. They don’t read much but were sure their sister-in-law from Pengilly would like the book because it’s a mystery and she likes John Grisham.

We spent the night at Spring Green and visited House on the Rock, which is crazy cool. It’s a bit overwhelming, though, and gave Xander nightmares. But if you’re older than four, I recommend it. It was bizarre, like being inside someone’s cluttered brain.

On to Madison, my favorite city that I’ve never been to (thanks for the tip on the Capital Times piece, Mr. B.). But first, I need to share with you some light that Mr. B. brought into my life. I don’t know if he likes my sense of humor, but he clearly gets it.

We Have Wisconsin

The May Day Wisconsin book tour has begun! Whee! Currently, I am in Alma Center, Wisconsin, at the lovely KOA. Over the next ten days, I will be hitting six cities to spread the good word about the Book. If you follow along, you will find out what the glamorous world of an author really entails.

Currently, my kids are outside the RV playing with their new fly-shooter guns, bought for them by their Opa, who is presently enjoying his morning ablutions (that's a nice way of saying guy bathroom time, which is crazy long considering how little they do). My mom is cooking breakfast for everyone but her and me, as we are on an Ultrclear cleansing diet. The race to the bathroom is on...

I've also been researching the way to make the most out of booksignings, which have been a mixed bag for me, and presentations, which I enjoy but am nervous about. My mom has made a lovely full-color brochure, extolling the virtues of May Day, to which my kids will affix red hot Atomic Fireballs (Lex Ham Rand, do you see a Menard's/Fleet Farm candy pattern emerging in my literary career? What could it mean?). I'm going to hand those out to people who come near my table at signings, but do it in a low-pressure way as I hate pushiness. I've also bought 32 Nut Goodies for my Wednesday night presentation at Booked for Murder, both because I'm happy to visit Madison for the first time AND because Terri and Linda picked May Day for their May read.

Tonight, I am presenting, "Mystery Writing Is Murder," at the Racine Public Library at 7:00 (anyone know if there is a time change from Minnesota?), so stop by if you're around! It'll be a blast.

May Library Winner

The winner of the May May Day Librarian Contest is....the Adult Services Librarian at the Westborough Public Library in Westborough, Massachussetts! Because s/he was the May winner, s/he gets the special added treats--a Nut Goodie, a magnet, a pen, and a May Day canvas bag to carry books and such in. Oh, and the WPL gets a free copy of May Day.

In more good news, I've been invited to speak to two Battle Lake book clubs on September 12th and the St. Cloud Barnes & Noble mystery club on September 26. Yay! Speaking of Battle Lake, I'm going there on Saturday to do some research, so let me know if you need anything.

In the latest literary news, Product Placement Makes the Leap from Films to Books. Whaddya say, Mr. B.? Can we get me on the Nut Goodie website? If that's not a lucrative tie-in, I don't know what is. At the very least, May Day should be on the Battle Lake website, underneath the soothing banner, "Battle Lake--Easy to Get to, Hard to Leave...if you're dead! Enjoy the latest Battle Lake mystery from author Jess Lourey, available online and at your local bookstore." Good stuff.