Wisconsin Rapids Isn't

Rapid. It's pretty mellow. There is a haunted house on Baker Street, though, if Mark is to be believed. Mark is, by the way, one of three people whose book I signed at the Wisconsin Rapids Bookworld signing today. I'm not complaining--Mark was charming, intelligent, and funny, and talked to me for a half an hour. Gayle and Al also made me laugh and feel welcome. The third guy, the one who said, across the store, "That Garrison Keillor is so damn liberal. I just can't read his stuff," was sort of an anomaly.

Jamie, Kaaren, and Jane were excellent hosts and recommended a couple books (a Kris Radish and a Louise Erdrich) that I bought and am excited to read.

So, I consider it a success. For those of you thinking of becoming authors, or those of you who are authors, however, I need to present my Wisconsin book tour as sort of a wake-up call/cautionary tale/reality check. Unless you are Anne Rice, consistently naked, John Grisham, famous for sleeping with rock stars, Stephen King, or an actor, people aren't really going to come to your book signing. They just aren't. How many book signings have you yourself gone to in the past year. See?

As someone who has signed at book stores, feverishly researched book marketing, and given various presentations on writing/publishing, I have learned some things, and I am passing them on to you, grasshopper. Here they are, in no particular order:

IF YOU WANT TO SELL A LOT OF BOOKS:

You need to present and/or align your book with some sort of conference. Case in point: at the Business Professional Women's state conference, I was their lunchtime speaker. They were a fabulous crowd, made me feel smart and funny, and bought 32 copies of May Day. This works whether the crowd is there for a new business opening, a pharmacist's conference (rock on), or an art show. The point is, if you are a B-list or lower author, the crowd won't come to you, so you have to go to the crowd.

IF YOU WANT TO LEARN ABOUT THE WRITING, PUBLISHING, AND BOOKSELLING BUSINESS

Set up readings and signings at independent bookstores. First, it's just good to support independents. They have the personal touch, the feel, the appreciation of books and authors, that the box stores just can't. Second, you will find yourself around people who like and appreciate books and authors. Guaranteed. That's why they own/work at the independent bookstore (mostly. there might be some guy working there because the store was below his apartment.). When you're there, ask questions, be nice, and buy a book or two.

IF YOU WANT TO PROMOTE YOUR BOOKS AT THE BOX STORES

Call to make sure they have your book in stock, and then stop by and offer to sign stock. Be gracious, charming, memorable, and keep it short. You will leave as much of an impression on them as you would if you sucked their air for two hours sitting at that lonely author's table during a formal booksigning, but you would be saving your time, theirs, and you'd still get the cool "signed copy" sticker on your books which, as a frequent book buyer, I can guarantee you sets your book apart from the rest.

IF NONE OF THE ABOVE APPEALS TO YOU

Write. We always need a couple Salingers. If you write a fantastic book, I'll buy it, read it, and recommend it, regardless of whether or not you did your time in the cramped corner of a Wisconsin Bookworld, anxiously lighting up whenever someone who wasn't holding a $3.99 Soduko book walked by.

If, however, you have an extended vacation coming up, and the alternative to signing at a Bookworld is to be in a hot RV with your parents and kids, I encourage you to whore yourself at every available opportunity. I love my kids and my parents, and I love them even more after I've gotten a break to go into a bookstore or a library.

This is a pretty nice vacation.

Thank you for taking it with me.