Chicks and Hicks

That's what Mr. B. recommended I call my Great Wisconsin RV Book Tour. Since when is driving around Wisconsin in a 1973 RV with your parents uncool? Chicks and Hicks my ass. I am very excited to bring May Day to the people of The Cheese State. And for those of you who say Wisconsin is just Minnesota Lite, I say pah (in my naked-but-for-my-yellowed-underwear-old-man, fist-shaking voice).

The other day I got an email from William Kent Krueger in which he apologized for not making it to my last Saturday signing at Once Upon a Crime and said that he thought I was the best writer he'd ever read and that I was really fun to be around, too. Or maybe he just said to stop calling his house and asking for Cork O'Connor. I dunno. It all gets so jumbly in my head sometimes.

Yesterday, as I was beginning revisions on the first full draft of Knee High by July with all the enthusiasm I usually save for pap smears, church, and dentist appointments, I had a thought: "How do authors know how long a book should be?" My mainstream fiction (which isn't published, thank you for asking) novel is about 300 pages, but darn it if I can get a mystery past 220 pages. I get to to 200 pages and I think, "done." I race to that 200 pages, and that's where all three have ended. I push myself, push push push myself to get it to 210, and then take feedback from others to get it to 220. Is that me, or is that just the natural arc of the story and I am just a whittler on the wood of the plot, uncovering what was there all along?

Once Upon a Crime

Saturday, I was signing books at Once Upon a Crime in Minneapolis. Pat and Gary own the place and are wonderful--funny, giving (they supplied lemonade, cookies, and more!), and crazy smart about mysteries. Their store is exactly what you imagine a bookstore (or the library in your house) should look like--neat but tight with books, natural lighting but dark corners, and comfortable furniture. If you've never been, go. There's a mystery for everyone.

Plus, it's right up the street from the CC Club in Uptown, where I used to go and play pool (poorly, but cockily, the way I do many things) and drink shots of Jagermeister. Yuck. And then, my friends and I would stumble over to Liquor Lyle's to dine on the block of government cheese that they put out for "happy" hour. Yum.

Yesterday, I booked a plane ticket for Las Vegas, where I will be flying in June with Christine, Linda, and Kellie. One of us will be leaving with a new piercing, and one of us will be leaving with a tattoo, but we're not sure which or what. I guess they help you sort all that out in Vegas, but I'll take bets here. Assuming you can judge a book by its cover, here's some help when placing bets: that's me on the left, Linda next to me, Kellie popping up in behind, and Christine on the right. That Ruth Buzzy happens to be in the picture is just gravy.

Jesus and L Ron Hubbard Share a Giggle

Those guys. Having Katie Holmes and Brooke Shields give birth at the same hospital on the same day. I tell you.

The big news is not the ultimate celebrity punking carried out by those two holy rascals, though. It's not even the United States visit by the President of China for a lighthearted game of Risk. No, the big news is that Knee High by July is done. Well, the first complete draft is done--198 pages. The next step is to gather up my "buttons"--little scraps of paper with character quirks, funny turns of phrase, plot twists--that I gather throughout the year, and sew them into the story. That fleshes it out and adds depth.

After that, I send it off to Holly Hassel, who gives me detailed feedback and encouragement. Then, I send it to Jessica Morrell, who tosses her beret in the air and says, "to work!" She gives me little encouragement and a lot of criticism. It's good for me, like a personal trainer ridding my writing of fat, sloth, and joy. After I make those changes, I send it to Barbara at Midnight Ink to stick it in the chute, where it gets a cover, some more editing, and all that other fun stuff.

While Knee High is with Jessica, I'm going to edit June Bug, which I just got back from Jessica yesterday. Man, she's hard on me. Getting edited reminds me of parent teacher/conferences, where the teacher tells you that your child has a lot of potential but no one likes her so maybe work on that. The plan is to have June Bug bionic and fantastic and in Barbara's hands by May 15th, and Knee High bionic and fantastic and in Barbara's hands by June 15th. Whaddya say, Barbara?

Pyromania

I like to start fires, as do most of the women in my family. That would be a great opening line for a novel, but it also happens to be the truth, especially this time of year when I've got piles of leaves sitting around, taunting me with their incendiary nature. I already burned one pile, even though I'm pretty sure there was a burning ban on, and it was great. That got me to thinking. How many arsonists are female? In the U.S., roughly 16%, in 2003. Hmm. I would have thought more would be female. Or maybe the women just get caught less?

Anyhow, my need to burn things is wholly satisfied by a lot of camping and maybe a leaf pile or two, so whew. But I wonder if it is just the women in my family who like to burn things, or if that is a gender-favoring trait? Happy Monday thoughts. Oh, and good news! The Sunday St. Paul Pioneer Press covered May Day. Thank you, Mary Ann Grossman! (and Brian)

I've Been Blog-Tagged

I've been blog-tagged by Sara Rosett, author of the Mom Zone series from Kensington Books. That means I need to answer her favorites in fours questions, and then tag four more people. Why does this feel like the new chain letter? I can do it, though, because it beats writing a novel right about now.

4 movies you would watch over and over:

• Gone with the Wind
• O Brother Where Art Thou
• Murder by Death
• The Star Wars Trilogy

4 places you have lived:

• Tacoma, Washington (born here)
• Paynesville, Minnesota (raised here)
• Minneapolis, Minnesota (rebelled here)
• Battle Lake, Minnesota (inspired to write murder mysteries here)

4 TV shows you love to watch:

• The Office
• Sex and the City
• Little House on the Prairie
• The X Files

4 places you have been on vacation:

• Cozumel (scuba diving and snorkeling)
• Florida Keys (scuba diving)
• Aruba (snorkeling and a wedding--not mine)
• Canada (um, the Canadians?)

4 of your favorite foods:

• Popcorn
• Ice Cream
• Bagels
• Dark chocolate with nuts

4 Websites you visit daily:

• Pop Goes the Library
• Me (to make updates)
• Alex Tech
• Google

4 places you would rather be right now:

I believe in always making the best of whatever place, person, or moment in time I am so I'd like to just say I'm happy right now where I...screw it:

• At a bank, cashing a check for $1,000,000 for a three-book deal with Midnight Ink
• In the arms of that rare intelligent, funny, and emotionally mature straight hot guy who is telling me he loves me
• On a beach with my kids, teaching them to snorkel
• At my French villa with friends and family, drinking red wine, eating cheese with crusty bread, and playing Trivial Pursuit

Tag 4 People you think will respond:

• Janet Evanovich (why not?)
• Brian Farrey
• Liz Burns
• Sammi Carter

Rejection

I have stuck to my writing schedule for five days in a row. This is good. I have also recently received three smackdown rejections (to be fair, it was three reviewers for the same journal, and it's the American Journal of Sociological Review, which is the big dog and where I cockily began submitting) for my 50-page research article, "Sexual Knowledge and Politics." A sampling:

"There is much to like about this article. It examines a major public issue of concern to social scientists and the public. It is on the whole well written and empirically grounded. On the surface, it is entirely reasonable and its findings and charts straightforward...[h]owever, there were too many parts of it that didn’t make sense to me as a social scientist..."

"This study is an analysis of the association between sexual knowledge and political affiliation/voting preferences. As such, its greatest strength is its selection of an interesting research question...[u]nfortunately...it requires major reworking to remedy the problems outlined below: Overreaching in its scope. Conflating separate issues. Overly polemical tone..."

"This manuscript poses the provocative question: Has the Republican right limited sexual knowledge via abstinence-only education in America? The author suggests that this is the case...The paper does a good job tracing the political history of sex education, but misses the opportunity to engage broader sociological theories that can serve as frameworks for how attitudes are shaped and populations are mobilized around issues...overly selective sample..."

Isn't that nice? I post this as evidence of the thick skin (read: disassociation from reality) required to be a published writer, whether of nonfiction or fiction. I'm now going to scrabble together my strips of dignity, change the title of my research article, and submit it to The Boise Journal of Theses You Can't Get Published Anywhere Else.

I'm Hot-Blooded--Check It and See

Last night I was doing research for Knee High by July (it was the second night IN A ROW I stuck to my writing schedule!!!) and came across this really fantastic picture of Chief Wenonga. If loving him is wrong, I don't want to be right.

And, in a moving victory for feminism, Girls Gone Wild Have Been Released Back into Civilization. Thank you, Dr. Holly Hassel, for sharing the good news with me. :)

The Winning Library

Congratulations to Melisa Duncan, Community Relations person at Fargo Public Library!! She won a free copy of May Day for the library by entering the drawing on my webpage. If you're a librarian, you should enter.

And check out the Smoking Gun for the latest on a presidential mishap. Of intelligence. I'm going to float an idea out there. This two party corporate-sponsored system is not really working for me. What about a political system where multiple ideas and demographics are represented? Probably, we'd have to reform the campaign funding and electoral processes to make that viable. What? Someone's already thought of that?

And hey, I got my three pages written last night! Half of one page was part of my outline that I cut and pasted, but I still wrote it so it counts. Mystery writing is unique in that you have to write the ending first. So, I come up with a central mystery idea (murdered love, missing diamond, disappearing fiberglass statue with human scalp left at the base, creationism science camp and a murdered cheerleader, etc.), decide whodunit, and then create a seven-day or so outline starting at the scene of the crime and working toward its resolution (most of my mysteries span a very short period of time). I get the bare bones of what happens each day written down in a table outline, and then I use that to keep myself on track as I write the actual novel. I should do more of that writing the actual novel.

Better Day

OK, my day's gotten better. Thank god for cute kids who like making cupcakes and playing Star Wars faerie ring forest tag on beautiful spring days.

As of today, my writing goal is to turn out three pages a day, five days a week, which means I will be done with Knee High by July in...six weeks. That's not so bad, right? I'll keep ya' updated.

Oh, and I finished William Kent Krueger's Mercy Falls. If you are a mystery reader, you'll be familiar with the uproar over the ending. I didn't hate it. And the novel itself has the fantastic character development and plot twists that Kent is known for, though less on the fidelity issue, fewer peripheral characters, and more setting and Native American description wouldn't have killed it.

Shoot. My Roomba just got caught on something...

Lickerish

That's my new word for today--"lickerish." It means lecherous and greedy, and it sounds like that is exactly what it means, which is why it's a great word.

"The lickerish stranger shoved his hands into his pocket and limped away, smiling to himself."

That's about all I have for today because I'm crabby. I was dumped by an emotionally stunted man (must be something in the water in rural Minnesota), my students are being needy ("I wasn't in class yesterday because I was sick, which wasn't my fault, so can I still get points for class participation?"), administration wants to pump my class sizes up to three times their current size (I wonder why students aren't learning as much as they should? Probably diverting money from education will fix the problem.), and Molly Ivins is totally right that the Democrats suck ass.

Clearly, I need to get drunk or skinny and everything will get better (not drunk AND skinny, though, because then I'd be Tara Reid).

The Apothecary Has Taken the Plunge

Battle Lake news:

• I just received a letter from Jay, the pharmacist at the Village Apothecary (featured in May Day), and he has requested 24 copies of the book. This is my favorite part of his letter: "I did, however, practice in Paynesville for 6 years before moving here to Battle Lake, and I must say that Paynesville had just as many oddities as our small town. I see that you hail from Paynesville. Does this mean you are odd as well?" Ha! I like this guy. And yes, it means I'm odd as well.
• I got a phone call from the owner of the Nifty Nook Resort requesting a review copy. Fun! I am not hated in Battle Lake. Yet. Of course, they haven't read the book yet.
• Actually, one of them has. His name is Lyman, I'm guessing he is on the young side of 80, and he called me Saturday afternoon to tell me he thoroughly enjoyed May Day. He went on to regale me with a story of a horrible and mysteriously bloody human corpse that he stumbled upon a few years back. I don't think I can use it, but thanks for calling, Lyman. There's nothing a single gal likes quite so much as the afternoon call from a stranger who wants to talk about grisly death. Seriously, it was a very sweet phone call, and I appreciated the thought.

That's about it for today, except that I had to get a CT scan this morning, and it was scary. Well, not too scary because it was just to make sure that my enlarged salivary gland is just that (I drool when I type), but you have to sit on your back and get this dye injected into your arm that makes your body feel like it's on fire for a second, then you taste metal, and then you feel like you peed your pants (I'm not making this up, and it wasn't just me). Blah. And the needle is really, really big. But all is well. And I don't really drool when I type. Just when I talk.

Oh wait! I forgot the big May Day news. My mom called me yesterday to tell me that according to the Sunday St. Cloud Times, May Day is the best selling trade paperback in St. Cloud!!! May Day was also generously reviewed by In the Library.

St. Cloud State University Booksigning

Sold about ten copies of May Day at the SCSU booksigning at the Husky bookstore and met some very interesting people, so I'm calling it a good signing. 'Kay? And I got a pedicure today, so I'm set. Set, I tell you.

Except, Mr. B. just emailed me to ask if I've heard from the businesses of Battle Lake. He sent them all an "email Jess for a free review copy of May Day" last week, and not one of them has bitten. What's up, Battle Lake?

And finally, someone forwarded me the picture to the left. Since when is it OK to make fun of the leader of the free world? Cheese and rice, some respect, people. Ha! I love the expression on the woman's face. She means it.

Intellectual Crack

Tuesday pm is writing night at the Lourey house. My mom drives all the way from Paynesville, Minnesota, to play with my kids so I can realize my dream of being a published novelist. Or, at least expand on that dream and meet my June 1st deadline for Knee High by July. Do you know what I'm doing instead of writing? I'm firing up the intellectual crack pipe, aka trolling the Internet. I encourage you to put down the blog now unless you want to become an addict like me, forever searching for that hit of the weird, the celebrity, the worrisome, unable to hold down a full-time job due to your ever escalating need to be online. Here's what I got:

• Awful Plastic Surgery
• Britney Sculpture of Birth (why is the most disturbing part of this entire article that the sculpture doesn't look like Britney?)
• Defamer
• God on Women

OK, I think that's enough Internet detritus. I'm quitting cold turkey. For tonight. And as long as I write ten pages for Knee High, I've met my quota and I can absolve myself of all guilt. Oh, wait. I gotta check my horoscope.

"Push aside your pride, especially when dealing with a situation that needs an immediate solution. Someone you've been avoiding can help you with your dilemma, so get rid of your ego and ask for their help."

Someone I've been avoiding? Cripes. That could be anyone. And that is a lame-o horoscope, for the record. What about love, money, and skyrocketing careers? Maybe I need to pay for the psychic love test to really get to know myself. Wait...I can get a sample birth time reading for free.

"The Inner You: Your Real Motivation. You are, in many ways, an eternal child. Your mind is bright, alert, curious, flexible, playful, and always eager for new experiences - and your attention span is often quite brief. You grasp ideas quickly and once your initial curiosity has been satisfied, you want to go on to something else. You crave frequent change, variety, meeting new situations and people. Find out more with your full-length reading..."

Hmmm. If I weren't so childlike with my firefly flicker of an attention span, I might be able to find my credit card and front for the full-length reading. Back to writing it is.

We Have Liftoff

May Day is officially launched! The book launch party at the Douglas County Library last Saturday was a rousing success, except that no one ate enough cheese so I had to take it home. I am so full of cheese ("Things a mouse would say?"). The majority of well-wishers were 60 and older and had heard me on Open Line last Thursday. Now that I am infiltrating that age group, I am closer to finding out whether or not they are offended by my lively portrayal of the "life experienced" in May Day. I'm putting my money on "not offended," because it's about time that we stopped marginalizing those in the retirement community and recognized that they are active and contributing members of society. And probably do? don't? have naked rosemaling clubs. It's anybody's guess, really.

Fergus Falls Public Library

I've come close to Battle Lake and have yet to be stoned (as in, rocks thrown at me) for basing a mystery series there, so yay! Actually, the Wednesday night Fergus Falls Library presentation was a blast. The audience was receptive and full of fantastic questions and input. One kind woman also let me know that the Fargo Forum had reviewed May Day a couple weeks earlier. I think interactive presentations are the way to go because as an author, you don't have that leprous feel of a book signing (unless the signing is at the St. Cloud Waldenbooks, in which case you feel happy). Thank you to the great staff at the FF Library!

Thank you also to Dennis and Patty for having me on Open Line yesterday. It was good clean fun, and I got to come up with Battle Lake and May Day trivia questions for the listeners. Dennis and Patty did a great job promoting the book launch party for May Day, which is tomorrow from 1-3 at the Douglas County Library. I'll be giving away free prizes every fifteen minutes and there will be free food and fun. I like fun. Consider yourself invited. :)

My Martha Stewart tip for the weekend: For those of you who desperately want it to be spring, I recommend buying yourself some fresh flowers on your way home from work and popping a watermelon Jolly Rancher in your mouth. Trust me.

The Sexiest Punctuation

I share an office with Christine Hollermann-Hanlon (and I'm sure she'll thank me for linking you to the worst picture she has ever taken in her adult life), and today, we were getting in a discussion about which punctuation is the sexiest. I don't mean "sexy" in that trendy way where it is interchangeable with the word "popular," as in, "401Ks are a very sexy option for the employee in their 40s." It chaps my hide when people use "sexy" that way, mainstreaming a perfectly good if slightly 1970s taboo word.

No, I mean sexy, as in, "It's really hot when a guy knows how to use a semicolon." Isn't it crazy naughty fun to be an English teacher? This is our office talk. Christine is partial to the em dash, which, while it is my personal favorite form of punctuation because I'm all about parenthetical thoughts, just isn't sexy. Now the semicolon, well that requires one to create and inscribe two thoughts that are so close, so intimately connected that a period would be a sea between them, but also independent and evolved enough that they need their own space and can stand alone when necessary. Now that's sexy. Anyone care to weigh in on their own personal faves?

More Pix from Waldenbooks Signing

Super Cindy (the chick in the far left picture who was disappointed there wasn't really a May Day thong), just emailed me some more fun pix from the Waldenbooks signing. Good time had by all.

I look a little carnivorous in the lower left one with my kids. Brian--don't send me any more pictures of Morticia Addams. I get it. My skin is pale and my hair is dark, and you think I'm a witch. Hmmm...Zoe looks a little Wednesday-ish in the one on the right. Maybe you are on to something.

For those of you who missed Boston Legal last week, check out the clip. I don't normally watch the show, but I was in a hotel room, caught it by accident, and found it very compelling.

Today over lunch I'm giving an informal presentation on publishing a novel. Informal means I don't know what I'm going to say. The presentation will be held in room 114 at Alex Tech at noon. If you can't catch that, stop by the Fergus Falls Library at 7:00 p.m. today. I'm a little worried about Fergus. It's close to Battle Lake, and since I haven't heard from the Battle Lake crowd about their feelings on May Day, I think tonight I may. Day. May Day.

Making Eye Babies

OK, when Holly sent me this, I thought it was from The Onion, America's Finest News Source, but it is actually from the Chronicle of Higher Education. The article is called A College That's Strictly Different, it's about a conservative Pensacola Christian college with many, many rules for student behavior in and out of the classroom, and this is my favorite paragraph in it:

"Even couples who are not talking or touching can be reprimanded. Sabrina Poirier, a student at Pensacola who withdrew in 1997, was disciplined for what is known on the campus as 'optical intercourse' — staring too intently into the eyes of a member of the opposite sex. This is also referred to as 'making eye babies.' "

Hallelujah for academic freedom, I say. And if while imparting a sound, unaccredited education, this college can also deliver a smackdown on optical intercourse, thereby cutting down on the number of unplanned eye babies in the world, and by extension the number of single eye baby mothers who would probably just raise eye baby criminals, who are we to cast aspersions?

I just wonder if we could somehow spread the word that PCC and BJU and the like are out there so those far right conservatives who feel disenfranchised by a liberal arts education that requires an introduction to and critical examination of diverse perspectives could find their voice and maybe feel like they have some say in the political, moral, and social landscape of the U. S.

St. Cloud Waldenbooks

The St. Cloud Waldenbooks booksigning was my favorite to date, and not because my mom was there snapping pictures of me in front of the "For Dummies" line of books, either. It wasn't even that my very sweet kids were there, though that sure didn't hurt. No, the big plus for me was Gina, the manager. She bought me daisies (my second favorite flower after lilacs), she had balloons out, she kept me company during the slow times, she had all of her employees walking around with copies of May Day, and she actually walked up to people browsing in the store and sent them my way. She even made one of the employees lay on the floor right in the mall traffic with a copy of May Day over his face, playing off the actual book cover of May Day. Good time! Thank you, Gina!

p.s. Have I mentioned that a married guy with testicle cleavage (couldn't help looking--I was sitting down, he wasn't) hit on me at the Alexandria book signing? That's really no one's fault (except maybe evolution's), but something like that sticks with a gal for a while. I've been trying to supress the memory, but I think it's best if I just talk through it.

Emotional Labor

Thank you to each and every person who stopped by to talk to me at the May Day book signing at the Book World in the Alexandria mall yesterday, and a special thank you to the manager, Dolly, for keeping me entertained at the slow times. Yesterday was coincidentally also the Sportsman's Showcase at the mall, so the aisles were crammed to bursting with crossbows, four-wheelers, camoflauge hunting suits (or whatever they're called), and people itching to outfit their lives with some new weaponry. I think I may have done better had I been signing copies of Ted Nugent's Kill It and Grill It, but you work with what you got. All in all, it was an interesting juxtaposition, and I met some very wonderful people and signed a bunch of books. By the way, if you're ever at a bookstore or a mall and there is an author there for a book signing sitting all alone trying not to look like a geek, go over and talk to him/her. You don't have to buy a book--just visit. I guarantee the author will appreciate it. Today, I'm at the Crossroads Mall (St. Cloud) Waldenbooks signing from 2:30-4:00. Hope to see you there!