Are You OK?

Mr. B. is working on setting up media interviews to promote my book signings. A book signing sounds fun, doesn't it? You sit there, surrounded by copies of a book that took you a year to write and a couple years to publish, while people walk past you and try not to make eye contact. I can do that. I can even read a section of a chair-gripping chapter to a small audience without breaking a sweat. But media? Christ on a cracker (whatever that means--my grandpa used to say it and it sound cool if you don't think about it too much). Here is how I envision an interview to go. Let's pretend it's televised to make it truly soul-crushing.

INTERVIEWER WHO IS BARBIE- OR KEN-LIKE IN BOTH APPEARANCE AND DEMEANOR: Today on the show, we will be talking to Jess Loorie (am I pronouncing that right?), author of the hilarious and life-changing Murder by Month mystery series. Please welcome Jess.

ME IN A BROWN SWEATER LOOKING DOWN AT MY FEET AS I QUICKLY SHUFFLE TO A REALLY HIGH, BAR-STOOLY CHAIR, MY HEART TRIPHAMMERING IN MY HEAD SO LOUD YOU CAN SEE MY HAIR SHAKE:

BARBIE/KEN: Hi, Jess. Welcome!

ME, NOW TEETERING IN CHAIR AND WONDERING WHAT MY NAME IS:

B/K: Um, we're so glad you could join us. So, you've written a book about a Minnesota town, and you've named this gripping mystery May Day. What made you pick Battle Lake as a setting?

ME, LOOKING AT THE SEVEN TV CAMERAS AND TRYING NOT TO CRY: My cat's breath smells funny (followed by a burst of too-loud laughter as I realize I've said something inappropriate)

B/K: (a quick and nervous glance at her/his producer as s/he realizes I'm turning white and half of my top lip is caught on my snaggle tooth) You know, you feature a wonderful cat in the series named Tiger Pop. Tell me--is this cat based on a real cat? (hopeful wink wink)

ME: Yeeeesss. No. I have a cat, but he's black. His name is Zoso. I named him after Led Zeppelin's fourth album, which I loved seventeen years ago, which is when my cat Zoso was born. He's old. For a cat.

B/K: Are you OK?

OK, that's enough of the pain. Maybe I'll discover I'm sparkly in interviews. Hmm. Not quitting my day job. In the meanwhile, how about we have a most-embarassing-moment fest, preferably as it involves an audience, to make me feel better. Let's hear what you'd rather forget.