Tom Cruise Is the Best Monkey and Publishing Insight

If we were all monkeys, Tom Cruise would win Best Monkey every year, wouldn't he? The bummer for Tom is that we're not monkeys. I feel bad for him that way. Speaking of evolution and why Tom isn't on board, I was reading more about the theory of intelligent design today, and I wonder what proponents think about the world of online dating, which seems like a hypothesis-crusher if there ever was one. Check out these matches in the Alexandria area (and I do this for research and not for love--I gave up online dating last year because I truly believe, as I wrote in May Day, that men and leather pants should NEVER be shopped for online, and that personal theory has nothing to do with the crop of post-operative transsexuals, acne-ridden adolescents, and sexually confused men who ended up across the table from me):

WhiteyBlue69

My favorite thing to eat is barbeque ribs. My color is purple. When it's raining out I like to work on my crafts, sit and cuddle watching a movie with the special person in my life. I love music & reading the newspaper. I Like to go bike riding. I love to eat at Famous Daves Barbeque or even a nice romantic restaurant.

OK, I'm gonna give him the benefit of the doubt and assume the "69" refers to the year he was born and is not a crude sexual promise of beautiful things to come, and I'm even going to ignore the "See Dick run" construction of his sentences. What I can't escape are the double references to his love of smoked meat and the use of "cuddle," and "special person" in the same paragraph.

Duckfiend

i like all wild game, seafood, pizza and a good steak. i'll watch anything that is funny, south park, chappelles show, old sitcoms.scary movies.i listen to music alot, e-bay, nap, my dog, and of course duck hunting. I WANT TO MEET A WOMAN WHO IS NON-JUDGEMENTAL OF OTHERS, NOT A GOLD-DIGGER, HAPPY WITH HER LOOKS AND BODY AND A CUTE SMILE.MUST BE WICKEDLY SEXY AND NAUGHTY. NO FATTIES. HOPEFULLY SHE LIKES TO FISH AND AT LEAST NOT BE AGAINST HUNTING.THE MALL ISNT ONE OF MY FAVORITE PLACES, I'D RATHER GO TO THE GROCERY STORE. SOMEONE WHO LOVES ANIMALS, ESPECIALLY DOGS.DONT WANT A HEALTH NUT OR VEGETARIAN. SOMEONE WHO LIKES TO GIVE AND GET A MASSAGE.

I'm guessing that the only handle worse than "Duckfiend"--FreeMustacheRides--was already taken. But what I'm getting from this is that I have to be slender, not care that he's fat, and hang out at home watching the dogs and waiting to be wickedly sexy and naughty as soon as he gets off the duck blind, reeking of elk urine and Schlitz lite. Have I already sufficiently horrified you with my dating prospects in Alexandria, or do you want one more?

BestKisser1

Have youever seen stars after a kiss I can make it happen. I like doing all kinds of outdoor activities like fishing, camping, hiking , sitting around a campfire, Ilike to cook for someone special like to cuddle on the coach and watch movies with the fireplace going and have some hot popcorn (I like to surprise the one Iam with flowers, little notes a hug or a kiss when they are not expecting it like to have candles lit in the house makes for a romantic setting I like to run a hot bath for that special person and have candles lined along the tub I also give very good back rubs. I like to watch football sometimes

You can see someone tried to help this guy--tell them you like to cuddle and bring flowers!!--but he has his own idea of what women like, as you can see from his posted picture. And who am I to say he's wrong? There are surely women out there who like a simple man who can provide, as well as decorate their double-wide with dead animal parts whilst running them a bath in the rust-stained tub. My point is that Duckfiend, WhiteyBlue69, and BestKisser1 are all you get on the Alexandria buffet of love. As a liberal, feminist, semi-vegetarian, single, educated female who likes to read, write, and talk about politics and culture, it's a pretty grim scene. I'm not whining. I'm giving you a feel for the angst from which I write. I am truly suffering. On to my next topic.

How to Get Published

I'm enjoying many aspects of being a published writer--meeting new people, crossing paths with famous authors, getting interviewed by cute newspaper editors--and I want to funnel that experience and knowledge into my teaching. Specifically, I teach an online Creative Writing course every fall at Alexandria Technical College, and I've never been able to find a textbook that includes a "How to Get Published" component, so I'm going to make one and incorporate it into the curriculum. All you lurkers out there, if you have any publishing knowledge to share, please do so now (concrete stuff like "check out literary marketplace," "get an agent/don't get an agent," "join a writer's group and here's how to find one," etc.). Your brains and ideas are appreciated! Oh, and a grand total of zero people have posted their favorite authors (who they are, what they wrote, why they rock) to this blog, so those fantabulous May Day magnets are gathering dust. Don't let this opportunity pass you by! Post and win!

p.s. For the record, I know for a fact that there are many wonderful people doing online dating, and a close friend of mine met her absolutely fantastic husband that way, so it's not nearly all bad. It just seems as though online dating is the last refuge of the scoundrel. And monkeys.