The Self-publishing Odyssey Begins

Hello, dear reader. I know you’ve been following my Facebook updates regularly, curious to find out the next turn in my self-publishing adventure. You’re clamoring for a list of what I’ve done so far, and what I’ve learned from…ah, who am I kidding.

Dear Jessie:

Here is your Toadhouse Trilogy self-publish list to date:

• Write the first in a young adult trilogy about a sister and a brother who learn they must travel into classic literature to save themselves. Books ARE magic.
• Submit to your agent. Have her love it.
• Due to her connections in the industry, have all major publishers reject it in record time.
• On May 14, 2012, choose to self-publish, as if you have another option.
• Submit book concept to Crowdspring so graphic designers can begin designing possible covers.
• Choose to begin distributing your book only on Kindle so you can take advantage of the Kindle Select program. Immediately mourn your relationship with indie bookstores, whom you love. Wonder if you are a horrible human being.
• Figure out how to format a book for Kindle and what other requirements they have.
• Decide to go with CreateSpace for the hardcopy version of your book.
• Choose to purchase an ISBN through CreateSpace that you can take anywhere with you, even if it means you have to pay $99 and CreateSpace won’t let you distribute them to libraries. Also, stumble across mention of fleurons and realize you must have them in your book.
• Hire a copyeditor, as you’ve already the manuscript substantively edited by the best in the business.
• Contact your web designer and come up with a plan for the new website. Scare her by saying you’d like it up and running by June 1.
• Develop a promotional plan, the key focus of which will be to get free reviews, which can be a challenge for independently-published books.
• Realize that to get good copyediting and solid reviews, June 1 is way too soon. Move The Toadhouse Trilogy, Book One, publication date to July 4 because you like fireworks.
• Wonder if The Toadhouse Trilogy, Book One, is a lame name for the first in the series. Discuss other options with your close friend Burgermeister Meisterburger and decide that you both like the title just fine.
• Write a first draft of a press release. Throw around names for your fake publicist. Judy Doright? Jack Donaghey?
• Sit back impatiently, awaiting edits and your book cover so you can go to the next phase: advance publication date promotion.

More to come!

The Ten Things I Learned at Left Coast Crime 2011

1. It’s okay to be a humorous mystery writer. Really, it is. Left Coast is the only conference that celebrates the art of combining murder with mirth. They offer the Lefty Award for best humorous mystery, which I’m proud to say I was nominated for. And lost. I’m considering putting that on future book covers: “Lefty-losing author Jess Lourey…” 
2.  Self-publishing ebooks can be profitable, and as of right now, Kindle (Amazon) is where most of that money is being made.
3. If you are considering self-publishing, there is an awesome site called CrowdSpring where authors can post a description of their book for thousands of graphic designers to read. The designers, usually a couple dozen per book, will each create a book cover based on the description. If the author sees one she likes, she can buy it, usually for a couple hundred dollars. If she doesn’t like any of them, she doesn’t pay.
4. Book trailers are a waste of time and money *unless* they help the reader to connect with the writer, either by answering interview questions or talking about places/people/events that inspired the book and maybe filming at associated locations. Laura Lippmann and William Kent Krueger both do this well.
5. Harley Jane Kozak, the conference’s toastmaster, wears size 9 shoes. She also starred inArachnaphobia! How cool is that??
6. Along that same line, did you know that Parnell Hall (http://parnellhall.com/), panelist moderator at Left Coast Crime, wrote the screenplay for C.H.U.D.? I cornered him by the ATM and made him admit to it. I think he thought I was making fun of him, but I’m a sucker for campy horror movies. Give me a glimpse of a zipper in the monster’s back, and I’m yours for life.
7. It is incorrect to refer to a Scottish accent vs. a British accent, as Scots are also Brits. Thanks for this, Simon Wood. I blame the American education system for my ignorance.
8. Volunteer at any conference you attend. It’s the best way to make connections, particularly for us introverts, and you can feel good at the same time.
9. The television and film industries are going the way of the music and book industries in that they are becoming democratized. Some of the best TV shorts and films are coming from independent people with no connections to the industry, no formal training, and little money.
10. Bring your own books to a conference, if you can. The on-site bookstores can only bring in so much, but they’re often happy to sell on consignment.
11. I know, I know, the title says ten, but I didn’t really learn this one; I already knew it: Keith Raffel, Vicki Doudera, Shannon Baker, William Kent Krueger, and Catriona McPherson are all fabulous people to hang out with!

Dangerous: Writing while Reading, by Jess Lourey

What, if anything, do you read while writing? For me, usually nothing. I’m a full-time teacher and mother of a 12 and a 9 year-old. I also have a wonderful boyfriend, serve on the national board of the Mystery Writers of America, am active in Tae Kwon Do, and volunteer in my community. When I add writing a novel on top of that, reading goes by the wayside. However, the young adult novel I’m working on at the moment requires a great deal of research. I find myself writing in fits and spurts, broken up by necessary reading, and it’s driving me crazy!!! I can’t meet my 2000-word-a-day minimum, and I feel like a humongous slacker.

So maybe this post is more about asking how you all make time for writing. I get asked that question all the time, of course. Every writer does. One time, a couple years ago, I half-jokingly (which=embarrassingly true) told a reporter that I have time to write novels because I don’t watch TV, have a social life, or shower on the weekends. That become the two-page, full-color headline for the article, over a photo of me with my 19-year-old cat in my arms: “I Don’t Have a Social Life and I Don’t Shower on Weekends.” This is how cat ladies are born, people. Shame combined with the realization that personal hygiene is negotiable.

Nowadays, when I teach creative writing for MWA-U and am asked how I make time for my writing, I gently correct my students. We all make time for what is important, I say, so the question is not how to make time for writing but how to make writing important to you.

That answer works great as long as you’re not under a deadline, right? I need to get this YA novel done by September 1, the December book in my Murder-by-Month series by December 1,  and I hope to have a magical realism novel completed by May 1. I had it all within my grasp, right up until I realized I had far more research to do for the YA novel than I had allotted time for. So I repeat: how do you make time for writing, especially when it requires researching?

On a profoundly unrelated note, last month, my publisher kindly put forth June Bug as a free ebook download. Tens of thousands of copies were downloaded, and even more exciting, the sales of the other five books skyrocketed. You know what else? The entire six-book e-series is still in the top 10,000 ranking for Amazon.com’s Kindle downloads, weeks after June Bug has returned to full price. Thank you to Midnight Ink for their brilliant support and inventiveness, and for allowing me this opportunity.

E-xcited? by Jess Lourey

I never owned a security blanket as a child, but a book serves the same purpose for me as an adult. I love the feel, smell, and potential of a book in my hands. Would holding an ebook give me that same sense of comfort and safety? Maybe. It’s possible I’ll never know, though, because I am an o-reader: old-fashioned.

I no longer use paper to pay my bills, do most of my clothes shopping over a computer, and as a college professor, I teach 80% of my classes online. However, I prefer my eating, sleeping, and my reading to be tangible.

But as an author, I’m not blind to the future. On May 19, Amazon.com announced that their ebooks are now outselling print. According to this article, ebooks may not be ecologically sound, but they are convenient and appeal to the tool-loving monkey in most of us. And soon, photos with and personal messages from your favorite author will become part and parcel with your e-version of their book—consider it Author Signature 2.0. This writer even sees a future for professional editors to make the jump to ebook publishing with little or no start-up costs.

Anyone who tells you what the future of books looks like is guessing and hoping, but we know it’s changing. That is why I’m grateful to have a publisher who continues to position themselves in the future. I recently found out that June Bug is going to be a free Nook download and free Kindle download for the month of June! To those of you who have taken the technological leap to ebooks, cheers. If you have not yet checked out the series, now is a safe time to start. Please spread the word, and have a happy June.

Education and Writing, by Jess Lourey

I have two semi-related issues to discuss with you. The first is the pronunciation of the word “ribald.” Kirkus Reviews wrote of October Fest, it’s “funny, ribald, and teeming with small-town eccentrics.” (They also wrote some crap about the plot falling apart toward the end, but I can’t really remember that part—I subscribe to the ellipses method for getting the stains out of book reviews.) I was pretty happy with that little blurb and told lots of people about it, including a best-selling mystery author out in New York I was trying to impress. Here’s how my conversation with him went:

“Getting any reviews on your latest?”

“Yeah! Kirkus Reviews said October Fest is funny and ribald.”

Pause. “RYE-bald, hunh?”

“Yep!”

It was that pause that signaled to me my pronunciation was off. Honestly, it was the first time I’d ever said the word out loud. I got off the phone and hurried to my computer. Turns out it is really pronounced “ribbled,” like how a giggling frog feels. Really. Hear it here.

I got to thinking. I consider myself pretty smart. In fact, I am an English teacher, and a well-larded vocabulary and a tight-lipped stare of derision are prereqs for the job. However, my book reviews have consistently shown me how meager my spoken vocab is. I had to look up “surfeit” when a reviewer of May Day wrote that the protagonist has a “surfeit of sass.” Another reviewer called her “insouciant” in June Bug. Now, I don’t want to embarrass you, but did you know that word is pronounced “in-soo-sient” and not “insoochiant?”

What kind of world is it we live in that reviews of my own books go over my head?

And now that I’ve established my credibility as a teacher of the written word, I am asking for your input. I’m putting together mystery curriculum on behalf of an MWA committee I’m on. My goal is to create six teaching modules: three on mystery-focused creative writing and three on mystery-focused literature/reading, each group divided by age lines (middle school, high school, and college). These modules will be available for any teacher to use, free, and will hopefully bring further legitimacy to the mystery genre as well as provide interested teachers a way to expand their curriculum. What I’d like from you are suggestions as to the “best” mysteries out there. I’m looking for mostly dead authors so there is no favoritism, and as much gender variety and multiculturalism as possible (I've already got the dead white male mystery writers covered, me and the rest of society). Within those guidelines, what should students be reading?

My New Website Is Live! by Jess Lourey

My last post discussed my travails in creating a website and asked YOU for your input on a new one. Most of you agreed: author websites should be clean, uncluttered, without flashing and blinking, and easy to navigate. I took your input to heart, I hope. You can see my new site here.

Beth Tindall of Cincinnati Media did a brilliant job of making the site navigable and clean. Steve Tuytschaevers of PlanetMaker Design worked with her to craft the seasonal trees (Murder-by-MONTH mysteries, get it?) in the banner and the thriving secret garden walls of the side columns. Thank you both. I’m super happy with how it turned out!

Whee!

In honor of my new website, I’m listing some of my favorite online time-suckers below.

• Hyperbole and a Half. Sometimes crude, always funny mixture of adolescent artwork and simple stories. If you can get through her writing about moving cross country with her dogs, or her parents and tipsy aunts humoring her Christmas play without laughing tears, you’re made of concrete.
• Jezebel. A beautiful mix of politics, feminism, pop culture, and humor.
• Awkward Family Photos. Because we’ve all been there. Like literally. I think that might be me and my sister in that photo.
• The Nation. This is one of the few places I can still regularly find investigative journalism.
• The Onion. Because sometimes I need a break from investigative journalism.
• Awful Plastic Surgery. Because it’s rude to stare in person.
• Groupon. Are you kidding me? I’m stuck on this site and I haven’t even bought anything from it yet. The old grandma in me loves to vicariously save money. And shake her fist at kids.

Where’s your favorite place to waste time online?

What’s in a website? Would that with which an author advertises smell as sweet in any other format?

Yes, I’m updating my website. It’s not something I like to spend money on, and the promotional part of this writing business has never fit me well, but it’s time. If you visit Wayback Machine, you will discover that my first website (2006) looked like this:

No, that’s not Dorothy Hamill, and yes, I tried to make my website mirror Carl Hiaasen’s (he’s since updated his). I figured, at the time, that it was the “funny author” prototype website. Probably you’re thinking that’s odd because it has a leafy morgue feel, overall. A leafy morgue with Dorothy Hamill as the mortician. Don’t judge me.

Looking for something brighter, I updated to this website in 2007:

 

I take full credit (blame) for the above layout. I wanted a strong feminist feel (note the “woman” symbol as page divider), and I also wanted to convey that I intended to write across genres (the feminist stick lady wears a different hat on every page; I know--subtle like an axe). Seven mystery novels later, I chalk up my cross-genre dreams to the same delusional tendency that has me hang on to those size 5 Levis that will fit if I ever find a time machine or am lucky enough to lick a tapeworm.

Last year, in honor of my first three novels being reissued with new covers, I had my boyfriend, who is a wonderful graphic designer (but, it turns out, allergic to Dreamweaver), create this site, my third update:

I love his design. However, because the web software ended up handing him his own ass (let the records indicate that he fought the good fight), the site is really just a bunch of photos of pages rather than a true website. That means I can’t update ANYTHING, from my author info to my books to my events page. Bring on Beth Tindall, website designer extraordinaire, mystery fan, and Most Reasonable Woman I Know. She’s going to work with Steve to make me an uber-site, completely focused on the Murder-by-Month series, and dynamic. The new site’s go live date is March 1.

Which brings me to my question for you: what IS in a website? In other words, what do you like about the websites you like? What brings you back? What’s your favorite feature on your site (include a link so we can see what you mean) or what author site is your favorite (also include a link)? Join the conversation, and help me! Please. You see what I’m capable of when left to my own devices. Without your help, this could be my future:

   

Misunderestimating, by Jess Lourey

I was recently reminiscing with a friend about a gentleman we both worked for. He has since risen very high in the world and is now the commanding general of the ROTC for the state he lives in. At the time we worked for him, he was just our boss who had a bad habit of assuming everyone saw the world the same way he did. My favorite illustration of that was relayed to me by colleague, Catherine, who speaks Spanish and went on a church trip to Mexico with him as his translator. On their third day, the two of them presented to 60 teenaged girls who wanted to learn about volunteer opportunities in the U.S. My boss, thinking to set them at ease, told them he was happy to be there. They received this well. He told a couple jokes,which Catherine translated, and the whole audience erupted in laughter and applause. Encouraged and possibly suffering from jet lag, he next told them that they were foxes. My friend Catherine slid him a look, but he was too caught up in the positive energy, so she shrugged and translated, "he thinks you are small furry rodents.” The 17 year-olds are all WTF? as he is leering appreciatively at them, and he moves on from there, having completely lost his audience.

Language barriers (and lack of personal filters) can cause a lot of misunderstandings. For example, there is the “Ladies are requested not to have children in the drinking lounge” in a Norwegian bar, or “Drop your trousers here” at a Bangkok dry cleaner. In writing fiction, though, misunderstandings are more subtle, as I’m reminded every time I get my manuscript back from my fabulous friends and family who edit for me. Sections I thought were funny are…not. I was also advised to remove “BFF” and “WTF” from my manuscript by my mother, who said many people will  not know what they mean. I had a horrible character say a horrible thing, and I was told by several people that the horrible thing was so offensive that it took their breath away, in a bad way.

I listen to everything they say and play it against my internal rubric. I know, most of the time, what good writing looks like and what bad writing looks like. It’s just that when it’s my own, it’s hard to see the difference. Until someone points it out to me, that is. I end up making most of the changes recommended to me by editors, because most of the time they’re right.

My question to you is, how do writers tell the difference between what must stay and what should go?

You Write Like Sarah Palin

Yesterday, I drove three hours to Fargo (yeah, that Fargo) to sign books as part of the Altrusa book fair. This wonderful group raises money to build bookshelves in Habitat for Humanity homes and then stocks the shelves with brand-new  books. Twila, the woman running the event, said the children who move into these houses are so happy to have books of their own that they run straight to the shelf when they first enter their new house and plop on the floor to read. Sigh. Makes you happy to be part of this world, doesn’t it?

During this signing, a lovely woman in her 60s picked up a copy of September Fair, turned it over in her hand, and asked me why she should buy it. I said, “It’s funny.” (I’m not a saleswoman, never have been, don’t wanna be.)

She “meh’d” and hemmed and hawed before deciding to give it a try. As I’m autographing the title page, she remarks that I sign my name just like Sarah Palin, whose book this woman had recently waited eight hours in line to get autographed.

As my brain tries to sort out all the implications of her comment, the woman leans forward and conspiratorially whispers, “You know, I wouldn’t trust that lady to run our country, but she was really kind to the people in wheelchairs who were waiting a long time. She walked over to all of them personally.”

Her comment tickled me on all sorts of levels, but mostly because it was so perfectly Midwestern: kind but judgmental, with a total absence of irony. I wrote down the line in my “buttons” book, where I keep all sorts of great dialogue that I hear. Last Thursday at the train station, for example, my boyfriend and I were waiting for the Empire Builder to Milwaukee when we heard deep laughter rumbling out of the closed back room of the depot, where a group of conductors were meeting about something.

Two grizzled travelers were seated next to us. It was Veteran’s Day,  and they had been talking about their service in the Korean War and how it was a shame Amtrak gave 20% discounts to students but only 10% to veterans. When the laughter spilled out of the back room, one commented to the other, “Sounds like they’re having fun back there.”

And the other guy nodded and said, “As much fun as four men can have, anyhow.” Then they both started chuckling.

Love that random, unrehearsed stuff. Have you heard any great lines lately?

Pyramid on Point Method, by Jess Lourey

Remember that episode of Friends where Phoebe jogs?

That’s how I write novels—disorganized, flailing, a little fear and a lotta hope. This has worked for me so far, I guess, but then I got tapped to teach an “After the Idea: How to Write a Novel” class for MWA-U, the Mystery Writers of America’s new writer’s education series. I couldn’t spend an hour telling people how to reinforce the seat of their pants, so I had to hunker down and develop a legitimate method.

And I did.

And it works. It works so well, that I finally understood why I couldn’t get past page 60 of the four mainstream lit novels sitting on my laptop, and I saw how I could give my mysteries the extra layer of of character complexity I’ve always felt they’ve lacked. Check out this graphic representation of my method, which I call the Pyramid on Point method, because it reminds me of a square on its side:

Here’s how it works. First, you write a one-sentence summary of your novel idea. This will come in handy when you’re marketing your manuscript or later, talking about it at conferences, but for now, the purpose is to coalesce your idea. Here’s the one-sentence summary for the November novel I’ll begin writing this winter: “A newly-minted Minnesota PI investigates a suspicious hunting accident, uncovering a brutal small-town secret.” Notice that specifics aren’t important—names, places. You’re just taking an aerial photo.

Next, expand that summary into a paragraph. This should take about an hour. Include the status quo state at the beginning of the novel, what obstacles the protagonist encounters, and how the novel ends. After you’ve got that summary, invite your characters. Get a notebook or open a document on your computer and create a page for every character who’ll appear in the book. Flesh out the basics, like age and appearance, but more importantly, spell out their goals and motivations, the conflicts they encounter and how they’ll grow from them, and their general storyline in this novel. The detail you add here is what will separate your novel from the pack by making it a character-driven story. Don’t be afraid to rewrite your one-sentence or one-paragraph summaries if your characters call on you to do so.

The next step is my favorite: physically sketch your setting(s). If your novel takes place mostly in a single town, draw a street and business layout. If it also spends a lot of time in a specific house or office, draw the floor plan. Also, keep on the lookout for photos online or in magazines that strike a chord with you. Print or cut them out and glue them into a notebook (where you may already have your character bible). When you get writer’s block later, looking at and writing about these photos will push you over the hump. Just don’t spend too much time at this step or you’ll go from writer to scrapbooker.

Next, expand each sentence on your one-paragraph summary to a full page. Include lots of sensory detail, especially smell, touch, and sound. These make your writing cinematic. After this, roughly outline your plot. I don’t believe in detailed outlines, which take the surprise and so the fun out of writing. Simply create a post-it note for each character conflict you’ve come up with (you’ll find these in step 3), with the character name at the top of each post-it, and rearrange these so they happen in a logical order. These conflicts are the nails on which you string your story.

Finally, write the dang novel. This is the thrilling part. You’ve done the difficult work of creating the structure, and it’s time to sit back and take dictation from the Muses. When you get stuck, recharge with your pyramid. Voila! I hope this method brings joy, structure, and depth to your writing like it did to mine. And please, add to my stone soup. What writing tips/method have worked well for you?

p.s. If you’re describing this method to your friends, don’t take the natural step of making an upside-down pyramid shape with your hands. I did this (frequently, and at waist level) during my presentation, and it turns out it means something entirely different in sign language, and it ain’t “pie.”

Humorous Writing through the Ages

I write a humorous mystery series based on the idea that a big city gal is trapped in a small town where a murder happens every month. Hahahaha! See? It’s funny. I’ve also just begun work on a young adult novel with a three-book arc. My desire to write it arose mainly out of the fact that I want a forever snapshot of this period in my kids’ lives (they’re 11 and 8), along with a mash-up of ideas percolated by reading The Magic Treehouse series, Inkheart, and three of the Percy Jackson books with my children.

Without giving too much away, my modern YA novel idea requires me to read and research a lot of 1800s-era novels, starting with HG Wells’ The Time Machine and Dickens’ A Tale of Two Cities. We’re all familiar with the plot of Wells’ novella, and I can unconditionally recommend it as a fun, short, and creepy summer read. A Tale of Two Cities was a reread for me, but I loved it in high school and appreciate it even more now. And in reading these books, I found something amazing: the authors are funny. Dickens in particular is so dryly humorous that he actually makes me giggle while reading about the French Revolution. And in researching Wells and Dickens, I find that they were both progressive, intelligent, politically-active human beings who believed and worked hard for basic and universal human rights.

Maybe this is a newsflash to only me. (If so, thanks for keeping the eye rolling to a dull roar.) Anyhow, my first thought upon discovering this was, “I wonder how many other authors in the canon were politically active and progressive, and what does this say about the mind and personality of a successful writer as a whole?” That was just a passing thought, though. Mostly, I’m happy that that there is an established history of nuanced, funny writing that not only entertains but can change the world.

What other bright and funny classic authors am I missing? I’m specifically looking for novels written in the 1800s by humanists, and I should warn you that I couldn’t get farther than the second paragraph of The Last of the Mohicans.

Whose Kids Are Those? by Jess Lourey

Bouchercon 2009, coming this Thursday and lasting through Sunday, marks the end of my September Fair book tour. Those who know me, particularly those who rely on me for love, food, and shelter, refer to my book tours as "Mom's Crabby Time," a period where I’m so busy I forget what my kids look like and what my nice voice sounds like.

Yet despite the personal and financial cost, I continue to go on book tours. Here’s why:

• I want my series to do well.
• I value my publisher, Midnight Ink, and I understand the risk they're taking by publishing my novels and what they expect of me in terms of pushing the product.
• I like to see people who like my books.

But because I have a full-time job, two kids, and a partner who likes it when I occasionally acknowledge him, I now specialize in the "Work Smarter not Harder" style of book touring. It hasn't always been this way. With May Day, published in March 2006 and the first in the series, it was more of a Monica Lewinsky approach, where I was trying to please everyone. Not anymore. And I’d like to share with you the nuggets of efficient book touring I’ve picked up:

• Choose library engagements rather than bookstore booksignings. Libraries pay and in my experience, draw a larger crowd. And they always let you sell your books.
• Plan multiple booksignings in a single day. Three in one day, nine in a weekend is my record. I totally gave that weekend over to booksignings, which was exhausting but allowed me to schedule family time the rest of the week. And once you’re in signing mode, I say go for it.
• Contact local media at least three weeks before each signing. If you don’t have a great publicist like me, do this yourself. I’ve done it before, and they’re almost always grateful for a light news story. Only one signing in my two-month tour was not accompanied by a newspaper article or radio or television interview.
• Support your indies. Not just because it’s the right thing to do, but because they are the people who will handsell your books. A tiny store in northern Minnesota sold over 40 copies of September Fair the month it came out, and it’s because I connected with the owner. In my experience, booksignings are as much about making friends with the staff as they are about landing a new reader or two.
• That said, I always hit a couple B & Ns and Borders. It’s easier to get publicity for those, and B & N CRMs are some of my favorite people out there.
• Put writing on hold while on book tour, and keep the book tour to a limited span. You may disagree with me on this one, but I think writing and promoting run counter to each other, and it’s best to focus on one or the other. That’s why I keep my book tours to two months and turn down almost every request that doesn’t fall in that time period.

That’s about all I know for sure. Let me know if you have any questions about the above, or tips of your own to add. Hope to see you in Bouchercon!

TV, by Jess Lourey

You’re not supposed to look at the image of yourself in the console on TV while you’re on TV. You are supposed to have a facial expression other than “frozen smile melting into fear.” You’re not supposed to stare so intently at the host that it looks like you’re wondering what her hair tastes like.

This is what I know about promoting your book on television, and I learned it all the hard way on Showcase Minnesota last week.

My publicist, Courtney, has been doing a fantastic job setting up media appearances to promote September Fair. She’s nailed numerous newspaper, radio, and television appearances, not because I’m in demand but because I have serendipitously written a murder mystery that takes place at the Minnesota State Fair that just so happened to be released two weeks before the Fair opened. Turns out people like a little “dairy princess getting murdered while her head is carved from butter” mixed in with coverage of the prize-winning pumpkin, the farmer whose gone to every State Fair since he was born except for the year he was away at war, and the “how to make ____-on-a-stick” recipe segments.

But here’s the dirty secret: most of us don’t write because we like attention, and we certainly don’t like being on TV. We write because sitting in front of a computer, writing, wearing pjs so worn that the butt area is more screen than door suits us just fine. When I’m on TV, I’m not thinking deep or sparkly thoughts, and I’m not having fun. I’m hoping I don’t snart, do remember the name of either of my two children, and don’t accidentally blurt out “two city busses,” the calming mantra of my two-year-old second cousin.

It does get easier, however. A little Vaseline on my teeth so I don’t do the snaggle-toothed smile, a couple homeopathic stage fright pills that taste like sugar and probably are, and clothes that don’t cling, and I can stumble through an interview all right. Or not. You can be the judge above. And wish me luck—I’m doing Fox Morning News and Twin Cities Live tomorrow.

September Fair, by Jess Lourey

The fifth book in my Murder-by-Month series has been released, and I am days away from having a new website! How much excitement can one gal take?

The Minnesota State Fair—beloved home of 4H exhibits, Midway rides, and everything on a stick. The festival fun is riding high until the recently crowned Milkfed Mary, Queen of the Dairy, a Battle Lake native, is brutally murdered while her regal likeness is carved in butter. Can Mira James, covering the fair for the Battle Lake Recall, expose a deadly State Fair secret and win a blue ribbon for caging a killer? You’ll have to read September Fair to find out, but the smart money is on “yes.” :)

I am giving away three free copies of September Fair, and YOU could be a lucky winner. To be eligible, in the "Comments" area of this blog, tell me your three favorite State Fair foods/areas/events/rides. The winner will be chosen based on an empirical formula taking the following into account:

1. How related to me you are (less is better).
2. Whether or not I can recycle your answers in future interviews.
3. Poignancy and/or humor.
4. Last but not least as long as I am drawing breath, spelling and grammar.
   

Octoberfest, by Jess Lourey

September Fair, the fifth book in my Murder-by-Month series, comes out this September, though it may be available as early as August. This one is far and away the best in the series, and my plan was to quit on this high note. I’ve got a historical novel in the queue, and I’m hammering out a magical realism story that has completely captivated my imagination and it thrills me to write it.

Plus, I’ve recently fallen in love (first time in eight years!), I have two kids who each just got a new little animal (one puppy and one kitten), and I’ve got a full-time job. All these other draws on my time pretty much guaranteed that the Murder-by-Month series would need to take a break after September Fair.

So why can’t I let the series drop? Why do these Battle Lake plot ideas, character lines, and setting details pop unwanted into that area between my brain and eyes, where they spread like creeping Charlie? Sigh. It’s gotten so bad that I asked my agent to ask my publisher if they want another, tentatively titled Octoberfest, even though I’d already told them I didn’t want to write it. I’m waiting to hear back. Part of me hopes they don’t offer me a decent contract so I can get on with the rest of my life. The rest of me wants an excuse to write that damn novel.

And I’ve heard from my readers. They both want me to write Octoberfest, too. Do you have one of those? A story or novel idea that won’t let you go, even though you know your attention is needed elsewhere, the literary equivalent of the dark-haired, black-eyed man on a motorcycle, sitting outside your house come hithering you when you know you should be inside cleaning and baking? (p.s. I may have let you too far into my head with that analogy.)

The Rhetoric of Online Dating

I have tried online dating off and on for the past several years. I start out hopeful but always seem to end up across the table from a post-operative transsexual, acne-ridden adolescent, or sexually-confused man. And so I quit for a while, and I have my fictional mystery characters spout lines such as, "Men, like leather pants, should never be shopped for online." Then I remember I really like men, and that Minnesotans are too polite to flirt or pick one another up in public (and prefer white food), and so if I want to date again, I have to go back online. It's a vicious cycle, one a friend and I are going to plumb to our journalistic advantage. We're going to research the rhetoric of online dating and try to publish an article on the topic. We're both college English instructors, which lends credibility to our seedy topic, don't you think?

Here are three random online profiles featuring men in my immediate area. Join me in my research, if you will, and help me to study how they use and misuse language to reach their goals:

WhiteyBlue69
My favorite thing to eat is barbeque ribs. My color is purple. When it's raining out I like to work on my crafts, sit and cuddle watching a movie with the special person in my life. I love music & reading the newspaper. I Like to go bike riding. I love to eat at Famous Daves Barbeque or even a nice romantic restaurant.

OK, I'm gonna give him the benefit of the doubt and assume the "69" refers to the year he was born and is not a crude sexual promise of beautiful things to come, and I'm even going to ignore the "See Dick run" construction of his sentences. What I can't escape are the double references to his love of smoked meat and the use of "cuddle," and "special person" in the same paragraph. That's gotta be code for something.

Duckfiend
i like all wild game, seafood, pizza and a good steak. i'll watch anything that is funny, south park old sitcoms.scary movies.i listen to music alot, e-bay, nap, my dog, and of course duck hunting. I WANT TO MEET A WOMAN WHO IS NON-JUDGEMENTAL OF OTHERS, NOT A GOLD-DIGGER, HAPPY WITH HER LOOKS AND BODY AND A CUTE SMILE.MUST BE WICKEDLY SEXY AND NAUGHTY. NO FATTIES. HOPEFULLY SHE LIKES TO FISH AND AT LEAST NOT BE AGAINST HUNTING.THE MALL ISNT ONE OF MY FAVORITE PLACES, I'D RATHER GO TO THE GROCERY STORE. SOMEONE WHO LOVES ANIMALS, ESPECIALLY DOGS.DONT WANT A HEALTH NUT OR VEGETARIAN. SOMEONE WHO LIKES TO GIVE AND GET A MASSAGE.

I'm guessing that the only handle worse than "Duckfiend"--FreeMustacheRides--was already taken. But what I'm getting from this is that I have to be slender, not care that he's fat, and hang out at home watching the dogs and waiting to be wickedly sexy and naughty as soon as he gets off the duck blind, reeking of elk urine and Schlitz lite. Have I already sufficiently horrified you with the online dating prospects in rural Minnesota, or do you want one more?

BestKisser1
Have youever seen stars after a kiss I can make it happen. I like doing all kinds of outdoor activities like fishing, camping, hiking , sitting around a campfire, Ilike to cook for someone special like to cuddle on the coach and watch movies with the fireplace going and have some hot popcorn (I like to surprise the one Iam with flowers, little notes a hug or a kiss when they are not expecting it like to have candles lit in the house makes for a romantic setting I like to run a hot bath for that special person and have candles lined along the tub I also give very good back rubs. I like to watch football sometimes

You can see someone tried to help this guy--tell them you like to cuddle and bring flowers!!--but he has his own idea of what women like, as you can see from his posted picture. And who am I to say he's wrong? There are surely women out there who like a simple man who can provide, as well as decorate their double-wide with dead animal parts whilst running them a bath in the rust-stained tub. My point is that Duckfiend, WhiteyBlue69, and BestKisser1 are all you get on the rural Minnesota buffet of love. From this well springs inspiration to continue my Murder-by-Month series, featuring an amateur sleuth looking for love in greater Minnesota and ending up with dead bodies, instead.

Any advice for me, or the guys above?

UPDATE: I've expanded my online dating net to Iowa and surprisingly, may have scored. Who would have guessed?

Like Buttah

The fifth novel in my Murder-by-Month series, hits bookshelves September 2009. The book, set at the Minnesota State Fair, was originally titled September Mourn. I loved this title so much that I worked Neil Diamond into the plot. Unfortunately, my publisher discovered another mystery already has that title. Neil Diamond stayed, but the title went, replaced by September Grace.

Strike two.

Not catchy enough, said my publisher, offering up September Fair instead. Nothing was ever going to be as good as the original, so I said fine, grateful to have a publisher who even asks for my input on such things.

Then I saw the cover mock-up.

Midnight Ink has rightfully won awards for their cover art, ranging from the beautiful to the eerie to the complex. With August Moon, I talked them into a streamlined cover more in keeping with the comic mystery genre. They agreed and stuck with that theme for September Fair, for which I was again grateful. But that color. The background was described to me as "butter." I would call it "light nausea." Your thoughts?

And what about that bloody tiara? It was originally an old-fashioned bottle of milk with a blue ribbon draped over it, but since Milkfed Mary, Queen of the Dairy, gets murdered while her head is being carved out of butter in Chapter 1, the bloodied crown seemed more fitting. Other thoughts for what could occupy that space instead, or is the tiara compelling to you?

p.s. My cousin just emailed me to say that you can buy a used copy of the as-yet-unreleased September Fair through Amazon.com for $1000. I will sell you the manuscript fresh off my laptop for half that. :)

Write of Spring

Every year since 2002, on the first Saturday of spring, Minnesota's premier mystery bookstore, Once Upon a Crime, holds its annual Write of Spring. Pat and Gary, the owners of Once Upon a Crime, bill their store as "informal, low-tech, and happy to provide the best customer service around." The Write of Spring epitomizes this attitude.

Over 60 authors are present, hanging out in one-hour shifts to talk to, meet with, and sign books for fans and aspiring writers. Many of us blur the line between fan and author when we find ourselves standing between the likes of William Kent Krueger and Laura Childs while chatting with Ruth Jordan about the future of the mystery genre. All this in a tiny store no larger than my dining room and kitchen combined, no cover charge, no pretension.

For me, this is what independent bookstores are all about. You have camaraderie, connecting, employees who can give you an exhaustive answer to the question, "If I like this book, what other books would I like?" Once Upon a Crime, whose motto is, "For a Good Crime, Call," also hosts book groups and writing groups as well as putting on weekly signings.

Pat and Gary, who incidentally got married in their store two years as Gary battled leukemia, put as much effort into supporting emerging authors as the bestsellers. I remember setting up my first signing at the store, for May Day, which came out in 2006. My ego was bruised from trying to set up events at larger stores. I expected more of the same from Once Upon a Crime, but Pat's email response to my request read something like this: "May Day was a hoot! You let us know what day and time you want to set up a signing, and we'll make it happen. In the meanwhile, I ordered 40 copies of your book, so stop by and sign stock. Looking forward to meeting you!"

Hunh? She'd not only read my book but had ordered copies of it? If you've dealt with Once Upon a Crime, I know you've had a similar experience. They're champs in the mystery field, the unsung underdogs who connect readers directly with writers, and vice versa. And I bet they're not the only ones out there. What's your favorite indie, and why?

(The photos are, starting with the upper left one and working clockwise: Pat, co-owner of the store, along with a children's book author; a writer of books, Lori L. Lake, and William Kent Krueger--one of the best mystery writers out there; Ellen Hart and Michael Allen Mallory. I apologize for not knowing the names of two of the authors pictured. I'm lame that way.)

Are You a Journey or a Destination Person?

New-age, find-your-chakra, smell-a-rose philosophy would have us valuing the journey over the destination. If you sense some reluctance there, it's because I'm an impatient person. I'm always in a hurry to get somewhere, and when I finally arrive, I scurry off to somewhere else. I WANT to enjoy the journey, but unless I'm on a road trip or reading a book, I'm a seeker by nature, looking forward instead of around.

This is particularly apparent in my writing career. I would rather have a book done and off to my publisher than be writing one. I figured all writers were that way, until I interviewed Janet Evanovich, who told me she enjoys the journey way more than the destination.

Shit. Turns out I'm the weirdo.

Until I started writing Blue Moon. I've had the idea for this novel in my head for years, but I had no avenue for redemption for the main character, and so no skeleton around which to build the story. Last month, though, her redemption came to me, and the story has literally been writing itself ever since then.

The novel is Minnesota magical realism and is inspired by the strong women in my life and the fascinating research of Dr. Bryan Sykes, who compellingly argues in The  Seven Daughters of Eve that mitochondrial DNA proves that all human ancestry can be traced back to seven women. We're all related, and there's magic in those genes.

Viva la journey!

And so, do you prefer the journey, or the destination?

I'm a Mystery "Writer," by Jess Lourey

Like most writers, I heart punctuation. Well, at least if it's used correctly. Misused punctuation hurts. The worst? When people put two spaces after a period, which is technically a formatting rather than punctuation error (you know who you are; you learned how to type on a typewriter instead of a computer). The best? When a guy uses a semicolon correctly in a love letter. Hot, hot, hot. Well, punctuation geeks, we are not alone. Check out my new favorite "blog": The "Blog" of "Unnecessary" Quotation Marks.

This is a potpourri blog post by the way, a threefer, and number two is this video, which briefly presents the real story of how a spark becomes a novel:

And finally, number three: my good friend Michelle today shared with me a new word she invented after a particularly intense rest stop experience. The word is prestenchination, loosely based on the Christian concept of predestination, and it refers to the fact that if you are in a public bathroom and have eight empty stalls to choose from, you will inevitably enter the stinkiest one.

See how much I do for you? It's because I'm a natural educator.