Whut to Read

I just finished the entire No. #1 Ladies' Detective Agency series by Alexander McCall Smith, and I enjoyed it. Plus, I ate a lot of feta cheese while I read it, so now, whenever I think of the series, I think of feta cheese and feel happy. My point is that I recommend the series. The mystery is never particularly convoluted or clever, but the setting and characters are fantastic, and Smith completely immerses you in Africa. Check it out, and eat feta cheese while you read it. You'll be a better person for it.

Holly sent me this list, so you know it's funny:

The top 10 unintentionally worst company URLs

Attn: Entrepeneurs Everyone knows that if you are going to operate a business in today’s world you need a domain name. It is advisable to look at the domain name selected as others see it and not just as you think it looks. Failure to do this may result in situations such as the following (legitimate) companies who deal in everyday humdrum products and services but clearly didn’t give their domain names enough consideration:

1. A site called ‘Who Represents‘ where you can find the name of the agent that represents a celebrity. Their domain name… wait for it… is www.whorepresents.com

2. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at www.expertsexchange.com

3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at www.penisland.net

4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at www.therapistfinder.com

5. Then of course, there’s the Italian Power Generator company… www.powergenitalia.com

6. And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales: www.molestationnursery.com

7. If you’re looking for computer software, there’s always www.ipanywhere.com

8. Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church. Their website is www.cummingfirst.com

9. Then, of course, there’s these brainless art designers, and their whacky website: www.speedofart.com

10. Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe? Try their brochure website at www.gotahoe.com

As if that's not enough, check out Stuff on My Cat, and tell me this isn't gonna be a good week. Enjoy.

Battle Lake Booksigning

The Battle Lake booksigning on July 22nd went really well. The Art of the Lakes Gallery is a good place to be, and there was a steady crowd. I ended up selling around 44 books and signing many more. The highlight of the signing was having Francine (see left), one of my former students and a strong writer in her own right, drive all the way to Battle Lake with her witty friend Carmen. They were on their way to a wedding dance in Perham.

Speaking of, I finished the first draft of my short story to be submitted to the Minnesota Crime Wave, and it features a murder at a wedding dance and The Macarena. I still have the revision process to sort through, but it's better than the starting process. Always better.

But back to the book signing. There is a rumor circulating that my friend Christine accidentally dumped the meat and cheese tray on a major Alexandria street pre-Battle Lake book signing. I can neither confirm nor deny that rumor. I can, however, say that the most interesting moment at the signing was when a large man slapped down a copy of May Day, title page open, and said, "You know your autograph is only worth something if you're dead." Nice day.

Overall, I'd call the signing a success, thanks to the good nature of the Battle Lake folks, the warm welcome of Chief Wenonga (note to authors: schedule book signings during street fairs and/or Crazy Days), and the help of my good friend Christine, who solicited buyers outside the Gallery.

The Locked Fish House Mystery

It's time for me to write my short story, and I think I'm going to eat some popcorn first. Then, I'll write. I've decided to save Lex Ham's fabulously postmodern writer writing about writing story for something longer and instead write a locked fish house mystery. Is that the name of the little hut that you clean fish in at a resort? There's going to be a wedding dance still, and during "Brick House," everyone is going to hear a scream and rush to see him (it's gotta be a him, but I don't know who), with a knife in his back? chest? dead in the fish house, which is locked from the inside. The screens are nailed down and whole, so who killed him? How did they get out?

That's why it's called a mystery. In the meantime, for those of you who like trivial knowledge or aspire to someday make a living as an author, here's some totally un-fact-checked facts I just read:

From Publishers Weekly, some sobering statistics:

In 2004, Nielsen Bookscan tracked sales of 1.2 million books in the US.

Of those 1.2 million, 950,000 sold fewer than 99 (yes, ninety-nine) copies each.

Another 200,000 sold fewer than 1,000 copies.

Only 25,000 books sold more than 5,000 copies. Fewer than 500 sold more than 100,000 copies. Only 10 books sold more than a million copies each.

THE AVERAGE BOOK IN THE US SELLS ABOUT 500 COPIES.

On that note, I hope to see you in Battle Lake tomorrow! Stop by the Art of the Lakes Gallery for some free refreshments, some May Day, and a little bit of Jessica in your life, and stay for the parade and the great homemade fudge next door at Granny's Pantry. They have Nut Goodie fudge, btw...

I Await Your Kidney

That is my favorite, computer-generated email subject line to date, and not because it preceded a rhetorically sound argument for why Viagra can turn my life around. It's just that it proves the axiom that if a million monkeys type for a million years, they really can come up with something. AND, it sure makes you want to keep reading, which every good title must do. I wonder if I can work it into the Murder by Month Series. I Await Your Kidney in January.

In news that is sure to give adolescent teen boys and insurance convention attendees everywhere a momentary pause of sadness, the chairman of Hooters was found dead in his home. It is everyone's hope that this will not uspet the delicate balance allowing camel-toe shorts and chicken wings to come together in one delicious place.

On a much happier note, I have been asked to do a booksigning in my hometown of Paynesville, at the Blessing Well, from 4-7 on August 17th. Refreshments will be served (I asked for a keg and a bag of pretzels, but I can't promise anything), and it will be fun! Come one, come all.

Right now, I am creating some kick-ass online Creative Writing curriculum. If you're interested in learning more about the craft, you should register for my fall online course. It's a regular college course, and so transferable to most institutions, but it's all online so you can be anywhere to take it. Back to it.

Promoting Your Novel

I spent yesterday promoting May Day. Before finding a publisher for the book, I had done a lot of research on "being an author," and the one point that kept coming up was that you're going to spend as much or more time promoting as you did writing the thing. "Ha!" I said. "How could that possibly be?"

Sheesh. It's the truth. There's what, 2.2 million books in print? If I want people to hear about mine, I need to do a little leg work. Here is a list of yesterday's legwork:

• Began online research to find gardening and resort magazines that I could send review copies of May Day to. It's called "niche marketing," I believe, and since the Murder by Month series is set in a resort town, and the protagonist, Mira, loves to garden, those are niches I am exploring. Any suggestions for magazines?
• Went to Magpie, this fantastic store in Alexandria that sells one-of-a-kind purses, jewelry, and stuff you didn't know you needed until you saw it. They're selling May Day, also, and were out. I restocked them, which goes back to an earlier blog post of mine--you gotta keep really accurate records of all the money you take in and send out (travel expenses, review copies, mailing expenses, promo materials, that new laptop I need to buy, etc.). It can all be written off on the taxes.
• Drove the 45 minutes to Battle Lake to put up posters advertising the 7/22 May Day signing and assorted revelry at the Art of the Lakes Gallery. Brian, my hardworking publicist, made the posters, and they're bright and big and informative, and come with this headline: "Living in Battle Lake Can Be Murder." Eye-catching, no? Ask me how to sneak into a gas station/restaurant/knick knack paddywhack shop, molest their bulletin board with your 11 x 14 full-color poster, and sneak out without having to actually talk to anyone who might say, "Um, we WANT people to come to Battle Lake." Ask me.
• Stopped by the Apothecary while in town to drop off 24 more copies of May Day for them to sell. Dished with Jay, the pharmacist, about Medicare. I put in my plug for universal healthcare, but I don't think he was buying it. Can I mention he had not a hair out of place, sort of biggish glasses, a nice button-down cotton shirt, and pressed jeans? I also saw him an hour later, on his hog, wearing snake-thin mirrored sunglasses and a wife-beater which accented his barbed-wire tattoo. I'm serious. The transformation was almost super-heroish. Do you see why I set the mystery series in Battle Lake?
• Contacted Michael Lourey, famed author of Just Say Yes, to see if he wants to tour with me. We could call it something catchy, like Lourey To Lourey. Something about this line in his bio tells me we could draw a diverse audience: "When Michael and Linda, his wife of ten years, walked into the Cerritos 1st Assembly of God Church he was still a color wearing, drug addicted, alcoholic, angry and bitter biker. When they walked out they were Christians with a call on their lives."

That was it. That was yesterday. When people ask me, "How do you find time to write a book?", they don't know the half of it. I've given up TV-watching, a social life, and wearing make-up. What else can I cut out of my life to make time to write, which means also time to promote? I've got that short story to finish yet, and when I was at Holly's house last week, I had a really vivid dream that I think I can make into a strong literary novel (Holly, it wasn't that one I told you about with Mulder, Scully, and the buffalo), and I'm also working on August Moon (in my head, at least), the fourth in the Murder by Month series. And in a few months, the promoting of June Bug will begin.

The time issue is one of the reasons I'm considering taking a three-year leave of absence from my teaching job at Alex Tech to pursue an MFA. It would give me the degree I'd need to teach at a four-year college, but it would also give me more time and skillz to write. And really, all I want to do is write. I'll keep you updated.

I'm Home, and the Cat Barfed

Okay, I'm back in the saddle. Here's my last six days in a nutshell: Zoe, Xander, and I went to Walnut Grove, Minnesota, which has sort of a trailer-park Laura Ingalls feel. And I'm not just bitter because Zoe didn't win the look-alike contest. This fall, maybe we'll try Pepin, Wisconsin. I'm getting the kid on a circuit. Those freckles are worth their weight in gold, dammit.

Then, the three of us visited Xander's grandma in Rochester. She took us out to eat at Subway and then we headed to Kellogg, Minnesota to Lark Toys, the #1 grandparent stop in the state (read: candy, toys, rides, candy, ice cream, and candy). Then, on to Wausau to visit Jason, Holly, and Trixie (and get stroked by the Schwan's man--Mr. "You like ice cream, right?"). Finally, we went to River Falls, Wisconsin, to visit my wonderfully anonymous friend Andrea, who is coincidentally cyber-stalking Holly even though they've never met. Andrea, her kids, and my kids all drove around St. Paul to scope out my future neighborhood (looking at Highland Park) and stop at the Science Museum.

Good time!

And I'm home now. Today, I ordered the meat and cheese (yes, meat, Brian) and vegetable trays for the Battle Lake event of the year. Turns out it's cheaper if you just get celery, elk salami, and government cheese, and since I'm on a budget...I splurged on the pop, though. Real Dr. Shasta. Just joshing. The eats'll be great.

And now, in the educational corner, check out everything you wanted to know about the publishing industry, in shorthand (thanks uber-artist Lisa!). And in the humor corner, check out the latest in publish on demand (thanks, Mr. B.). Oh, and the cat did just barf. I think he missed us.

Update

No, I'm afraid Zoe did not win the Laura Ingalls Wilder look-alike contest. It was a travesty, and I realized I have it in me to be scary stage mom ("Take the bamboo fishing pole up with you. No! Take it! They love props. You want to win, don't you?"). On a good note, Zoe remains unaffected by her near brush with fame, and now has forty-nine new friends who look just like her.

More later. I'm in Wausau at a friend's house, and we are going to play at the splash park today!

Laura Ingalls Wilder

When I was growing up in Paynesville, Minnesota, back in the 80s, I had long brown hair, freckles, and my mom sewed my clothes. I'm serious. If you ever wonder from what angst a writer is born, there you go. But the saving grace was that if I put my hair in braids, I looked like Laura Ingalls. Not the real one. Who cares what she looked like? No, I looked like Half-Pint, Ms. Melissa Gilbert herself. Only she had better teeth. Again, unfortunately, I'm serious. You better click here before you continue reading, and take a moment to study the picture below.

OK. My point is that I have an irrational amount of love for Laura Ingalls because thanks to the TV show spawned from her books, freckles and brown braids weren't considered as repellent as they could have been when I was growing up. As such, it is only appropriate that I will be spending this weekend camping on the banks of Plum Creek and enjoying the Laura Ingalls Wilder Pageant in Walnut Grove. I am so Minnesotan. Oh, and I convinced my seven-year-old daughter, who also has long brown hair and freckles, that it was her idea we were going. If she wins the Laura Ingalls look-alike contest on Saturday, well, I'm tearing up. I just am. Life is good.Before I sign off, check out the truth about booksignings. Thanks, Mr. B.

Oh wait! The Fergus Falls Daily Journal and the Battle Lake Review have both promised to write articles on the official May Day "Coming out in Battle Lake: Party and Booksigning" from 1-3 on July 22! And Midnight Ink is springing for the food, so you gotta come. AND, Xanadu Resort is now selling copies of MD, AND you can now preorder copies of June Bug on amazon. Good, good stuff!

That's all for now. Until next week...

Wisconsin Book Tour Wrap-up

Thank you all for following me along my green, sparkly Wisconsin book tour. As you know, it was a mixed bag, but here is what I learned:

• I'd make a crappy rock star. It only took until day three until I was singing that angst-ridden, "Somewhere on the highway, east of Omaha...here I am, on the road again, there I go, playing star again," song about the tribulations of life on the road. And I was in an RV with my mom and dad and two kids.
• I enjoy presenting to people in libraries. The audience is usually decent-sized (at least ten), the people there are receptive, and I feel like I am giving people something in exchange for their time and money--the presentation is entertaining (my seven-year-old daughter disagrees), and I share what I've learned about writing and publishing fiction. Most people in the audience are either mystery readers or aspiring authors. As a side bonus, I've noticed a disproportionate number of journalists (um, one) in most audiences, and have snagged a couple interviews/articles out of these.
• Bookstores that just sell mysteries are the most fantastic place to be, even if not so many people show up to get their books signed.
• Chain bookstores are not a place to sign, unless you're already famous. As an author, your time is better spent stopping by to sign their stock and chatting for five or ten minutes with the people who work there as they slap on the "autographed copy" stickers.
• May Day's amazon.com ratings were taking a dip before the book tour, and have been raising steadily since the day of my first presentation on the book tour. Now, I know what supposedly smart people say about these rankings and their meaninglessness, but I'm addicted to the rankings (and you will be, too, once your book gets published), and since I've taken a statistics class in my lifetime, I feel qualified to say that they are an accurate quantitative measure of the overall success of the book tour. Whee! Oh, and I still like my family, even after ten days in an RV with them.

And, in a fun twist, I am scheduled to sign books at the Art of the Lakes Gallery in Battle Lake, Minnesota, setting of the Murder by Month Mysteries, from 1-3 on Saturday, July 22. This is my first Battle Lake outing. Want to come and get my back? Oh, I forgot the best part. That weekend is Chief Wenonga Days. You better be there!