Saturday, January 28, 2006

May Day Is OUT!!!

You can buy it now!!! Wheeee!!! If you go to amazon.com, type in "Lourey" or "May Day" to search for the book. The author is currently listed as "Jessie Lourey," so if you try searching under "Jess Lourey," you will come up empty-handed on amazon.com. Otherwise, the book should be available at your local bookstore or library, and if it isn't, they can quickly get it for you. Read! Enjoy! Live! Love! Laugh!

Friday, January 27, 2006

Love Is Murder

I'll be blogcasting live from Chicago next week, February 3-5, where I'll be attending the Love Is Murder conference. It looks to be great fun, and I hope to meet famous and fascinating mystery writers! I've already met one of my favorite--the very generous and kind William Kent Krueger--and I was less than smooth. In fact, I actually used the word "pflung?" I was crazy nervous. Neither he nor I knew what it meant, but he didn't call the police on me, and for that I'm eternally grateful. So yeh, Love Is Murder. Next week.

Being a Woman, Being a Writer (Subtitle: Eating for the Bird Flu)

No, this isn't a country song. It's actually two completely unrelated posts slapped together as one, which I tie up neatly at the end.

Being a Woman

I am so suddenly overwhelmed by the competing responsibilities of being a mother, being a full-time college teacher, and launching my writing career that I stopped by the grocery store on my way home from work and bought a box of Super Extra Strength and We Mean You Won't Feel Anything Midol and some trash magazines--Us, People, and Star. That's what passes for a vacation when you're a single mom. Anyhow, here I am preparing not to think for the first time in weeks, and what do I come across in the MailBag section of People? The most appalling evidence EVER of how completely difficult it is to feel good about yourself as a woman in this society. I quote:

During my captivity as an Iraqi POW, I lost 15 lbs. Since my return home, I've regained the 15 plus 10 more! I started working out, but the holiday season put me in a slump, and I didn't know how to get going again. Fortunately, your issue really inspired me to do so. Hopefully I'll be able to send you a picture of me 40 lbs. lighter very soon. -SPC Shoshana Johnson

Yes, you read it right. Private Johnson is not upset that she was an Iraqi POW. She is upset that she couldn't keep off that 15 pounds she lost while in the windowless holding cell, alone, quivering, and scared. Too bad Jenny Craig can't ignore the Geneva Conventions. (And no, the above isn't from The Onion. Check out the inside cover of the 1/30/06 People.)

Being a Writer

OK, I don't consider myself a writer, and that's the problem because my book is officially on sale. My question--when does one consider oneself a writer? I grew up reading the canon and worshipping "Literature" as written by dead white guys (refer to earlier post to see how they kick my ass). Anyhow, I'm having a hard time taking myself seriously. I kinda feel like a kid who is putting on a play for the grown ups. I'll get over it. Right? I could just go the route of Janet Evanovich and circumvent the entire issue by considering myself an entertainer.

Which brings me to the subtitle for the post: Eating for the Bird Flu. Here's what I figure: we're on track for a pandemic. It's not if, it's when, is what they tell us. And the guy who George W. Bush has appointed to head up the pandemic planning for the United States? Used to be a lawyer for Amtrak. Mmmm hmmm. So once the pandemic hits, and we've got no medicinal protection because a buffoon is in charge, who do you think has a better chance: the skinny chicks or the chicks who maybe eat a little bit past when they're full?

You got it--the husky inherit the earth.

So, I say we all start eating like we mean it, not worrying about whether or not people think our book sucks and are going to start stealing our office candy to recoup the $13.95 the "lost" on it, or if Herman Melville is always going to outsell us, no matter what we do, or even if we're going to look like the Nutrisystem "before" picture on the beach this summer. It's time we made having healthy bodies preferable to being a POW. Bon appetit.

Monday, January 23, 2006

Writing the Small Town Mystery Series

Every one one of my Murder by Month mysteries is set in Battle Lake, Minnesota. Every one. How, you ask, can so many murders happen in a town with less than 1000 citizens? It's not easy, but I'm going to tell you how it's done:

1. Kill off a lot of tourists.

Ha ha! OK, seriously.

1. Make the characters believable and memorable.

This is the key to any good book. It's especially important in a mystery series where you want readers to keep coming back. Every single character has to be fleshed out, and they have to have their quirks. Mira, the protagonist in the Murder by Month Mysteries, has a dark past and an uncertain future. You've met her before--she's the smart chick who's had a lot of hard knocks but keeps her spirit and humor intact, the one you're rooting for in the end. Battle Lake as I write it also has a lot of over the top characters--Kennie, the aged beauty queen who dresses like she's still 17; Mrs. Berns, the geriatric firecracker with a heart of gold and loins of steel; Johnny Leeson, the hot horticulturalist who makes Mira's green thumb throb. Each character has to stick in the brain of the reader and be interesting enough to keep them coming back to visit. Check out anything by William Kent Krueger to see an example of fantastic character development in a small town mystery.

2. Make the setting real and familiar.

The attraction of a mystery series is the comfort it provides--you know the place, you know the characters, and you know you're in good hands. You can forget about the world for a while and let someone else drive your brain. A three-dimensional setting with lots of sensory detail plays an important role in providing that comfort. The small town has to be described so clearly without overshadowing the plot that the reader can smell the trees, see the water, and visit the houses. When they pick up your book, they have to feel like they're being invited back to someplace familiar where it's never boring and they're in on the biggest secret of all.

3. Keep the graphic violence outside of the borders.

Personally, I'm not a fan of graphic violence, so #3 might have a lot to do with personal preference. It seems to me, though, that serial killers and slashers have a short lifespan in a small town. The violence would get old quickly, and disbelief would set in. How come so many horrific crimes happen in this small town? Plus, if your small town mystery series is well-written, your reader cares about the characters and wants to feel welcome in the town. An author can't violently kill off too many of those favorites without alienating her reader and making them feel unsafe when they visit. Cruel death makes everyone uncomfortable, sooner or later. Funny death, well that's a whole nother animal. Funny death, quirky death, and necessary death all work great in a small town mystery. Just ask Jessica Fletcher.

4. Keep the mystery creative.

The tag line for my mystery series--Murder by Month--is a little misleading as each novel will not necessarily have a murder as the central mystery. May Day does have a dead body, right off the bat, as a matter of fact. June Bug has missing jewels (and maybe a couple dead bodies, but they're funny and really, really dead), Knee High by July centers around something VERY important to Mira that is stolen (and I'm not telling about any bodies except to say someone loses part of theirs, and that someone isn't Mira), August Moon has a seedy minister taking up shop in the Bible camp (for sure there's gotta be a dead body), and...you get the idea. Solving a murder can get old quickly, but solving a mystery, well shoot. That's fun for months and months and months.

5. Pump up the backstory.

The best thing about small towns is also the worst--everyone knows your business. Play that up in the small town mystery to get some good sub-plots going and to toss out a few smelly red herrings. Who doesn't love gossip and secrets when they're about other people?

5 1/2. Borrow from the romance and chick lit genres.

I heart the mystery genre, but just ask Janet Evanovich how adding a little lust and humor can take it to the next level. Technically, a small town mystery/cozy shouldn't have lots of sex, but come on. What else is there to do in the winter in Battle Lake, Minnesota? I hear big-city people think those little houses on the icy lake are for fishing...

And there you go. Five easy steps to writing the small town mystery series. Make your characters strong, real, and entertaining, create a setting that is familiar and welcoming, don't overdo the violence, keep the central mystery creative, work the backstory, and add a cup or two of sex and humor. Viola!

Kellie's Corner

Hi, I’m Kellie. I’ve been invited to share some space here on Jessie’s blog (big thanks to the lovely and talented Jess). Generally, I will be commenting on all things important: fashion, beauty, diet, and celebrity related “news.” Today, on my mind, is the whole cinematic movement of turning old, often mediocre television shows into big box-office releases, specifically the “Dukes of Hazard.” My message: please stop it!

I was a big “Dukes” fan back in the day. I even had the Bo and Luke poster secured safely to my ceiling. Ahh, sweet junior high. Trying to take a television premise that basically made a car into a crucial character is inane. The TV show was barely passable as entertainment for the 12 year old back in its hey-day.

Then, they try and give us Johnny Knoxville and “Stiffler” as replacements for the much hotter original Dukes. Yuck, like I’d let Johnny Knoxville touch me, or yearn to ride in the General Lee with shifty eyed “Stiffler.” We women pay for eye-candy too. Give us a couple of decent looking men who are not best known for playing over-sexed teens or idiots.

I hope this trend of making old television into new films stops soon; otherwise I suppose I’ll see ya standing in line for “Different Strokes,” Gary Coleman’s big comeback vehicle.

What you talkin' about, Kellie?

Is It Hot in Here, or Is That Just David Hasselhoff?

I can't do justice to this clip, except to say that I dare you not to be turned on. You might think that I'm saying that ironically, but I'm afraid I'm not.

Oh, and when you hit the link, you'll have to scroll back to the top of the page and click on the arrow in the middle of the TV-like screen. Turn down your volume (only slightly) and bring on the fainting couch:

Music, Magic and THE Man

Sunday, January 22, 2006

I Am So Full of Cheese

...things a mouse would say? Actually, I was in St. Paul yesterday checking out schools for my kids (I'm thinking of moving to SP summer 2007), and I went hogwild at Byerly's. It's amazing being in a grocery store with an olive bar. I felt like a hick. But a happy hick.

Today, I'm deciding whether I should read, write, or parent. Don't call social services on me--they have the TV on and some Cheetos and water. Ha! You think I'm kidding. I am. They don't have Cheetos. The thing about being a single parent who works full time AND is trying to jumpstart a writing career, or at least very much enjoys writing and wants to make it a part of her life, is that you have to be able to multi-task like a monkey, as well as cut corners. Here are the corners I'm cutting:

1. Weekend showers (40 more minutes of writing time!)
2. Intimate relationships (saves whole balls of time, not including supporting #1 above)
3. Recreational television (except for The Office on Thursday nights)
4. Talking on the phone (never liked it anyways)
5. Going out with friends (I hope they don't read this)

There's probably more, but it would take too long to think of them. But I remember reading a quote by Anne McAffery or Marion Zimmer Bradley or some other wildly successful sci fi/fantasy writer and mother, and she said, "'A good time to write' will never present itself. You have to carve it out of the day, because there will always be other responsibilities--a house to clean, kids to play with, bills to pay. You have to make time to write today, or you'll never be a writer."

So here's my plan: I'm going to write every night starting at 8, when I put the kids to bed, until I get stupid. I considered getting up early in the morning to write, but I vaguely remember what it was like to have my alarm go off at 5 am, when I'm all warm and rubbery under my goosedown duvet and it's dark, cold, and lonely outside. I may be stupid, but I'm not dumb. There's a better chance of me getting up at 5 am to exercise than there is of me getting up at 5 am to write. In other words, none. Oh, and my seriously fantastic mom is coming up Tuesday nights to spend Oma time with the kids so I can write straight through from 4-10.

I otherwise save the weekday post-bus to bedtime time for my kids, of course, and most of the weekends, except when they nap and the one hour of computer check-in I try to do every Saturday and Sunday to make sure my online classes are going OK. Today, I think the kids and I will do a little sledding and piano practice, and maybe clean the house. It's not much, but it's my life, and I like it.

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Are You OK?

Mr. B. is working on setting up media interviews to promote my book signings. A book signing sounds fun, doesn't it? You sit there, surrounded by copies of a book that took you a year to write and a couple years to publish, while people walk past you and try not to make eye contact. I can do that. I can even read a section of a chair-gripping chapter to a small audience without breaking a sweat. But media? Christ on a cracker (whatever that means--my grandpa used to say it and it sound cool if you don't think about it too much). Here is how I envision an interview to go. Let's pretend it's televised to make it truly soul-crushing.

INTERVIEWER WHO IS BARBIE- OR KEN-LIKE IN BOTH APPEARANCE AND DEMEANOR: Today on the show, we will be talking to Jess Loorie (am I pronouncing that right?), author of the hilarious and life-changing Murder by Month mystery series. Please welcome Jess.

ME IN A BROWN SWEATER LOOKING DOWN AT MY FEET AS I QUICKLY SHUFFLE TO A REALLY HIGH, BAR-STOOLY CHAIR, MY HEART TRIPHAMMERING IN MY HEAD SO LOUD YOU CAN SEE MY HAIR SHAKE:

BARBIE/KEN: Hi, Jess. Welcome!

ME, NOW TEETERING IN CHAIR AND WONDERING WHAT MY NAME IS:

B/K: Um, we're so glad you could join us. So, you've written a book about a Minnesota town, and you've named this gripping mystery May Day. What made you pick Battle Lake as a setting?

ME, LOOKING AT THE SEVEN TV CAMERAS AND TRYING NOT TO CRY: My cat's breath smells funny (followed by a burst of too-loud laughter as I realize I've said something inappropriate)

B/K: (a quick and nervous glance at her/his producer as s/he realizes I'm turning white and half of my top lip is caught on my snaggle tooth) You know, you feature a wonderful cat in the series named Tiger Pop. Tell me--is this cat based on a real cat? (hopeful wink wink)

ME: Yeeeesss. No. I have a cat, but he's black. His name is Zoso. I named him after Led Zeppelin's fourth album, which I loved seventeen years ago, which is when my cat Zoso was born. He's old. For a cat.

B/K: Are you OK?

OK, that's enough of the pain. Maybe I'll discover I'm sparkly in interviews. Hmm. Not quitting my day job. In the meanwhile, how about we have a most-embarassing-moment fest, preferably as it involves an audience, to make me feel better. Let's hear what you'd rather forget.

Saturday, January 14, 2006

My Ode to Writer's Block

I've set aside time to write,
but all of a sudden I'd rather clean the bathroom.
What if all of my words come out trite?
It could be true. Hmmm.

It rhymes. It's a street haiku. Or a limerick. Actually, it appears to be a self-fulfilling prophecy. By the by, I've received some positive feedback on the May Day thong. My wise and perky friend Cindy said that every woman would love to have the words "may day" on her underwear because it pretty much sums up the day. Suddenly, I have that fantastic Men at Work song "Down Under" in my head. It's the May Day thong theme song. Can you hear it? Let me help you:

Down Under

Have a great day. And write on. Use the famous words of Ernest Hemingway to inspire you: "The first draft of anything is shit." Actually, I don't think E's final drafts were any great shakes, but To Have and Have Not is outselling the as yet unpublished May Day 300 to 1, so what do I know?

Monday, January 09, 2006

New Squids on the Dock

I'm doing research (read: web trolling when I should be writing) for Knee High by July, the third book in the Murder by Month series, and I came across a fantastic list of the worst band names of all time. Only they really are the best because they're snorting funny. New Squids on the Dock? That's awesome. Check out the other contenders:

Stop Calling Me Frank
The Yeasty Girls ("You gotta fight, for your right...")
Sandy Duncan's Eye
Poultry in Motion
Jif and the Choosy Mothers
Hitler Stole My Potato

Aah. Fruitful research.

Sunday, January 08, 2006

Dead Men Kick My Ass

I checked the ranking of May Day on amazon.com today, which takes the term obsessive/compulsive to new levels given that the book isn't technically published yet. Wait, I need to get some antibacterial wipes real quick. OK, I'm back. May Day is ranked as #433,452 in Books on amazon.com. I thought it'd be funny to check out the "classics" by the "great writers" of America and give them a Minnesota mystery smackdown in amazon.com rankings because who freakings reads Herman Melville anymore? Um, lots of people. Here is the list of dead white men who kick my ass:

  • Great Short Works of Herman Melville
    #170,177 in Books
  • Collected Novels of Nathaniel Hawthorne
    #199,446 in Books
  • The Way to Wealth, by Benjamin Franklin
    #5,308 in Books (What the?!?)
  • Mark Twain: Four Complete Novels
    #17,475 in Books

That's enough of that game. Wait. My not-yet-released book is also being outsold by Haikus for Jews : For You, a Little Wisdom (#72,484 in Books, which means it is wildly outselling both Hawthorne and Melville and should probably receive an honorary mention in the canon) and The Dysfunctional Family Christmas Songbook (#150,545 in Books). Here's an excerpt:

*GRANDPA FELL (To "Jingle Bells")
Lying in the snow
With his bourbon at his side
Grandpa's moving slow
Mouth hung open wide
Eyes like soft-boiled eggs
A-searching for his drink
He cannot move his legs and things are getting bad I think
Oh! Grandpa fell, Grandpa fell, Grandpa fell down drunk
Oh how sad to see the geezer freeze into a chunk!

It's a wonder more people don't get into this rewarding career of writing. Follow your dreams.

Friday, January 06, 2006


The May Day Thong.

Mr. B. owns the copyright on this, so don't even think of stealing it. On a side note, can I just mention how skilled Mr. B. is? His brain is working 24/7, over clothes and under clothes, to think of original and compelling ways to set May Day apart from the pack. You can't pay for skillz like those.

p.s. I'm saddened to report that the promo budget has been spent on May Day bookmarks, postcards, calendar magnets, pens, book bags, and t-shirts, so the thong fundies remain only a pipe dream. Posted by Picasa

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

How Much Are You Worth?

Apparently, I'm worth roughly $2,300,000. I'm OK with that. How about you?

Human for Sale

FYI, B cups or smaller net you nothing. They are not hot commodities on the market, which should be a newsflash to American women everywhere. Personally, I decided long ago that the reason I am single is because of my zip code, not my bra size. It's always about someone else, sweetie.

p.s. The above link is from my spectacular friend, Berns, who has her finger on the pulse. Check her out: Berns I and Berns II.

Politics ARE (is?) Funny

My wise and worldly friend Berns sent me the first link below. I found the second. Can you tell which one is real?

Merry Xmas


or

Sovereignty (if you have macromedia flash player)

Sovereignty (and click the green "watch" button if you have Quicktime)


One is funny and one is sad. Or are they both funny and sad because he's the leader of the "free" world?

The Kirkus Review of May Day

My publicist, who is excellent but touchy (or is it touched?) like only a true artist can be, just sent me the Kirkus Review of May Day. Here it is:

A small-town librarian and reporter adds sleuthing to her resume after finding a corpse amid the stacks.

Thirty-ish and unlucky in love, Mira James has moved from the Twin Cities to the small Minnesota town of Battle Lake. She snags two decent part-time jobs at the public library and the weekly newspaper, and a new lover to boot. The sex with archaeologist Jeff Wilson is terrific, and the relationship is blossoming when his murder brings it to a screeching halt. Worse, it's Mira who finds the body on the floor of the library. She can't resist probing, especially since her editor at the Recall wants a story about the crime. At first, Mira thinks Jeff's death was related to his archaeological work. The designation of a historical site could derail a local land-development plan. That theory hits a dead end, but Mira finds a clutch of likely suspects in Jeff's past. A pivotal figure in a murky romantic pentagon, he was the high school's star quarterback, involved with homecoming queen Kennie (now Battle Lake's mayor), teammate Gary (chief of police), classmate Karl (prominent banker) and coach Lartel (Mira's boss at the library). Mira digs up a closetful of dirty secrets, including sex parties, cross-dressing and blackmail, on her way to exposing the killer.

Lourey's debut has a likable heroine and a surfeit of sass...

I had to look up surfeit, and it basically means "a lot." So that's good. See the ellipses above, though? You'll see those in a lot of book reviews. That's where the author or his/her publicist took out words such as, "...but I'd sooner chew my own foot off than read another one of his books." So that's fun. The last line in mine actually said, "Lourey's debut has a likable heroine and a surfeit of sass, but the projected series needs to find its mystery footing." That means I still have to prove myself, which I'm all about. If they say the same thing after reading June Bug (due out March 2007), I might be in trouble, or I'll have to use my heady powers of rationalization to decide that these reviewers are just not hip. Anyhow, it's more interesting to make fun of others than to scrutinize myself, so here I am filling in the ellipses of some reviews for the works of some of my favorite mystery authors of all time.

Sue Grafton, F Is for Fugitive
San Francisco Chronicle Review:

"Exceptionally entertaining except for the part where Jim is unmasked as the killer, which was just dumb. An offbeat sense of humor and a feisty sense of justice.

Carl Hiaasen, Skin Tight
The New York Times Book Review

"This novel is Carl Hiaasen's latest dangerous weapon--Uzi satire in 9-millimeter bursts aimed at those classic baddies, vanity and greed. I wish I liked funny and terrifying bad guys because if I did, I'd like this book. No one has ever designed funnier, more terrifying bad guys."

Janet Evanovich, Hot Six
Dallas Morning News Review

"An appealing detective, a love interest, a little danger, and a lot of laughs would have been great, but instead she wrote this. I would have even settled for a classic screwball detective story."

William Kent Kruger, Purgatory Ridge
Publishers Weekly Review

"Krueger's page-turner opens with a bang yet left me constantly smelling hard boiled eggs as I read. The plot comes full circle as credibly flawed central characters find resolution and that smell of eggs becomes overwhelming. Krueger prolongs suspense to the very end."

Ok, done with my augmented reviewing. On a side note, I heart most anything written by the above four authors, and my recommendation of their writing is ellipses-free.